Je suis Emmy…

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be a member of the Broadcasting Authority board right now. Imagine that moment at a social gathering, when a stranger you’ve just been introduced to asks: “So, what do you do?” 

“Well, my Constitutional remit is to act as a State regulator for broadcasting in the Maltese islands: to guarantee impartiality in political reporting, to safeguard the consumer from malicious advertising practices, to investigate abuses by TV and radio stations… that sort of thing. But at the moment, I’m busy investigating an allegation that a viewer who called in on a private station was in reality an ‘onion marinated in mice droppings’…”

It would, I admit, be an interesting start to a conversation. But the problem, as I see it, is… how the heck would I keep a straight face? And who would believe such a blatantly fabricated load of toss, anyway? As if a State regulator would even bother with such a trifling matter…

And yet… it’s true. Ask a BA member today what his or her job currently is, and he or she would have to admit that the Authority is ‘looking into’ complaints about Emmy Bezzina’s outbursts on Smash TV.

They are ‘looking into’ the fact that a 60-something year-old television presenter has called someone a ‘pizellu’(pea-brain), ‘bahnan’ (idiot), ‘basla’ (onion), ‘gidra’ (turnip)… oh, and ‘hmieg tal-grieden’ (mouse droppings), naturally. 

I mean… doesn’t the Broadcasting Authority have anything important to do?

And how is it even possible, that a State regulator which routinely ignores core aspects of its Constitutional mandate – one example: its regulations on impartiality are not applied to politically-owned stations; only to PBS – suddenly kicks into action only when faced with what must be the daftest, pettiest and most pointless TV complaint ever made? 

Sorry, folks. But the thing with Constitutional mandates is that you can’t just pick and choose which parts to enforce, and which to pretend don’t actually exist. If Emmy Bezzina is to face a board of enquiry over a hatful of laughable insults – laughable in every sense: he is nothing if not entertaining – how do we explain the existence of two TV stations that exist only to broadcast unadulterated political hate speech? 

If it is so unacceptable for a TV presenter to use epithets such as “imbecile” and “pea-brain” – to describe viewers who really are pea-brained imbeciles, by the way – why is it suddenly acceptable for politicians to call each other ‘corrupt’, ‘Mafia’, etc., and to insinuate all sorts of criminal connections on a daily basis?

And in any case: what is there even to investigate in Bezzina’s remarks?

Oh, sure, he’s rude. No question about that. So is Eric Cartman… but I don’t hear the BA complaining too loudly about Southpark (shown locally on Cable TV, and therefore well within its remit). In fact, I still can’t understand why ‘rudeness’ – which seems to be one of the few things we actually excel at as a nation – should even be an issue for the BA at all. Last I looked, Emmy Bezzina was an adult. The callers on his programme are also adults… though you can only really tell because their voice has audibly broken. The programme is not scheduled for children’s viewing anyway.

So where’s the problem? If two adults choose to insult each other on air – and it must be pointed out that the insults never originate with Emmy (at least, not that I have seen) – since when is that a matter to be investigated by an authority that is part of the apparatus of the state?

It is only in countries where people don’t actually know what the apparatus of the state even is, that any of this nonsense would take place: or, as Emmy Bezzina would put it… only in countries where people are marinated at birth in an entire cauldron of mouse-shit. 

About the only part of Emmy’s numerous outbursts that might be ‘looked into’ was his suggestion (once again, thoroughly justified by the context) that a viewer should “go to the bastions [sic] of Dingli, tie a millstone (not a ‘noose’, as elsewhere translated) around his neck, and jump off”.

Ermm… hate to point this out, but that is actually a Biblical allusion. Emmy Bezzina was indirectly quoting a certain Jesus H. Christ there (you might have heard the name before), who specifically said that: “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” (King James version).

The Maltese translation has it down as “ahjar torbot mazzra m’ghonqok”… which has since become a saying in its own right. So Emmy was not just quoting the Gospel according to St Matthew, Chapter 18 verse 6; he was also citing an instantly recognisable Maltese idiom.

If it is a problem for Emmy Bezzina to quote Jesus on live TV… then it should also be a problem for all the religious programmes that regularly do the same thing on other channels (and on the same channel, too). Indeed, Christians would all suddenly have a problem on their hands. For if Emmy is to be castigated for quoting Jesus Christ – just as Jesus Christ himself was persecuted for his teachings – well, that makes Emmy something of a Christ-like figure himself, don’t you think? 

(Note: if any of you actually speaks to Emmy this week, don’t tell him I wrote that. He already thinks he’s ‘divinely inspired’ as it is…)

Besides, who knows? If Christ himself were to reappear, and get a prime time slot on Smash TV... which I can really see happening, by the way… how many Christians would flood the BA with complaints, when he starts calling the Pharisees ‘hypocrites’ and ‘whitewashed sepulchres’? Let us not forget that half the things Christ said were deeply shocking at the time. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been crucified.

There’s a moral in there somewhere: if you want to get the good stuff – all the nice, pearly parts about heaven and forgiveness, and all that… well, you also have to put up with the tantrums, the casting out of money lenders from the Temple, and all the threats of hellfire and brimstone. So if Emmy gets censored for appearing to urge a caller to jump off Dingli cliffs… how much more should Christ be censored, for threatening untold multitudes with an eternity of torture?

But, as already remarked, Emmy’s ‘millstone’ comment falls well within the boundaries of fair comment. Only someone who doesn’t instantly recognise either Biblical or idiomatic reference – i.e., a pea-brained imbecile – could possibly take that line literally. It is obviously a verbal equivalent of sticking up the middle finger. If Emmy were 10 years old, he would have said ‘go fly a kite’.

Why is that objectionable? O-o-o-oh… hang on a minute. Now I get it…

Jealousy. Plain and simple. It’s not because Emmy Bezzina ‘insults people’ –we all insult each other, all the time – it’s because he’s so goddamn good at it, that’s why. 

Unlike the amateurs who call in with their own childish, poorly rehearsed taunts, Bezzina belongs to the Old School. Like my grandfather in other areas, he is a firm believer in the maxim, “if you’re going to do something… do it properly.” Any fool can hurl an insult. Only an artist can make that insult grow wings, and fly.

Emmy Bezzina is one of those rare individuals who, in later life, have come round to understanding that invective is not a passion to be expended with fury; but rather an art-form, to be laboured over with love and care… a culinary delight, to be slow-cooked to perfection with all the skill and precision of a Master Chef.

So not only are his televised insults deliciously dripping with remarkable ad-libbed poetry… but it is his style and posture that elevates the churlish to the level of the sublime. 

Consider the ‘mouse-droppings’ line – you’ve all seen the video. Someone less versed in the fine art of rudeness might have burst into a torrent of abuse. Not Emmy, however. Oh, no. 

Emmy nods in affected boredom while graciously receiving the caller’s jibe. He is utterly unperturbed by the parting shot of ‘pizellu’. Instead of returning fire, he politely thanks the caller. 

Then, out of nowhere: ‘BAHNAN!”

The word resounds like a cannon shot. Emmy pauses for maximum effect. But just when you think the impulse has blown over… out comes another projectile, even more energetic than the first. “BASLA!” … and the rest of the sentence, already quoted above, tumbles out in cadences that would delight the ear of any of the Great Composers. 

It ends with that marvellously emphatic “Kemm int cuc!”… which not only serves as a punctuation mark, but also adds an almost imperceptible dash of compassion. He could have ruined the effect by adding a ‘jahasra’ (‘what a pity’). But no, that would be to overlabour a point already made…

Make no mistake. That sort of mastery in the fine art of rudeness can only be achieved after decades of ascetic meditation in the wilderness. Like Nirvana, other mortals may spend entire lifetimes striving to get there, while Emmy just naturally drifts into the cherished state with little more than a cosmic dance.

Small wonder they named the most prestigious TV awards after him: the man is a legend. And that is why he must be silenced at all costs. Under his genius, we are all rebuked...