Venice Film Festival 67: up close and personal

1^st September - Festival opening - Aronofsky’s Black Swan starring Natalie Portman and Vincent Cassel. Everyone loves Portman and Cassel, everyone eagerly awaits the steamy lesbian scene with Portman and Mila Kunis. At the Blue Moon Circuito Off Beach Party that night we spot Cassel and Portman. White Trash Fast Food, Peaches and Anita Drink rocked the sleepy Venice lido with their wild antics. Cassel is hotter in real life than on the screen! Some of the delegates say the movie is well executed, well done, enjoyable. But there are no superlatives in their reviews; this is to be a recurring sentiment throughout the festival – all commendable but the festival is missing a hit!

2^nd September – I watch La Belle Endormie by Catherine Breillat. She enters hobbling on a stick. I feel sorry for her when halfway through the projection people begin to walk out, or worse still, giggle in moments of what is meant to be great romantic tension. From there I move to the Sala Grande where Dennis Hopper’s Last Movie plays to a midnight audience. I curl into a ball and fall asleep to the sound of gunshot.

3^rd September – Somewhere by Sofia Coppola premieres at 19:30. On my way to the Lido, I miss the vaporetto by a minute and stand on the pontoon looking rather exasperated. A water taxi sees me there and turns around to give me a ride straight to the Excelsior. He takes no money from me… Later that evening, though in possession of a rare, hot ticket to the Somewhere after party being hosted by Louis Vuitton, I stay on the island and dance on the sands at the Blue Moon Circuito Off  party, with friends. I still don’t know why I didn’t go to the party, maybe I simply didn’t have the right shoes!

5^th September – My friend Massimo Coppola’s Film Hai Paura del Buio, premieres in the Sala Darsena. As part of the Settimana della Critica, ‘tutto Milano’ is here to watch this film. The story of a Romanian girl travelling to Italy set against stark grey buildings and empty fields with clever use of Joy Division musical cuts is very auteur waiting to happen. Knowing Coppola’s determination he will happen. Oh and it’s Premieres night, double bill. First up Tsui Park’s Detective Dee and the Mystery Phantom Flame. Naturally Tarantino’s there, this is right up his alley. He looks a tad paunchy, and tired… Next it’s Post Mortem by Chilean Pablo Larrain. I find it incredible, but everyone else just says – slow.

6^th September- word on the street is that the movies this year are disappointing, and that Coppola will probably win. Coppola is Tarantino’s old flame, but that is not why she will win. She’ll win because her film ticks the most boxes. It’s Monday afternoon, we run away from the island of San Servolo to Lido where we are to watch the eagerly anticipated Essential Killing by Polish director Jerzy Skolimowski. Starring the enfant terrible of the festival Vincent Gallo, we sit down to watch 83 minutes of well-executed video game style running… everyone shrugs, we are all running out of adjectives.

The Film Sorpresa, features Tarantino and Guadagnino sitting hunched in their chairs as we endure 2 hours of Chinese suffering in a film entitled The Ditch. In some ways it is the best film we have seen, by far…

7^th September – I wish to watch Balada Triste de Trompeta by Alex de la Iglesia but in the end I am all saturated with film and remember that I need to eat. We head to a restaurant where I eat food again for the first time in days: salty and tasty spaghetti with scampi. My friends at dinner talk about the Vincent Gallo Movie Promises Written in Water, Svankmajer’s Surviving Life and world politics. The Mexican says Iglesia will win something, he has been tipped off by the Spanish journalists he is staying with.

8^th Septemer – day of departure. Festival hype Cirkus Colombia by Bosnian Danis Tanovic is showing at 09:00 but I won’t make it, I have other obligations at the workshop. Rains pour down as I pack my bags. After being debriefed at the training, I run to Lido for the last time and watch That Girl in Yellow Boots by Kashyap. It’s pretty awful. We congregate outside and shrug again. Ben Affleck arrives and the paparazzi photographers amuse me with their ‘looking great!’ ‘looking hot!’ ‘Move that bodyguard!’. I see the back of Affleck’s neck. Looks pasty to me. Takashi Miike’s showing Zebraman tonight but I’ll be on a bus to Treviso. I run to the vaporetto and realise that I need to take a water taxi to the bus station. I exit Venezia in style, alone in a glorious Riva, as Franco the driver regales me with anecdote of life in La Serenissima…