Conversations on a black leather sofa

"I cannot understand why you are doing this to me." 

It was an SMS from Franco Debono.

The Prime Minister turned round to Pawlu Borg Olivier. "If I knew how to swear and blaspheme I would phone him up right now and tell him

to stuff his phone where it hurts."

Paul blew his nose and half way through, replied in a muffled voice.

"Iva, Prim, I have yet to see such a ksur il-għajn."

"When are they coming?" he asked Paul.

"They should be here any moment," he answered.

No sooner had he finished talking that Richard Cachia Caruana, Austin Gatt and Joe Saliba walked in.

"Hawn Pawl," Austin said as he landed on the sofa and threw his jacket on a chair in the corner.

Richard and Joe Saliba sat opposite each other.

Richard started off: "I think..."

Austin rudely interrupted, "I think, I think, let's hear what the Prime Minister has to say."

Richard rode his fingers nervously through his white hair, and looked up at the ceiling.

Gonzi smiled, then laughed.

"He, he, Austin, he, he... Mela, I think that Franco Debono will vote with us anyhow.  He simply does not have the gall to vote against this government."

Paul nodded as he playfully dug his finger into his nose and then patiently pulled out some snot.

Joe Saliba looked at him in complete disgust.

Gonzi continued: "I have every intention of staying until my term and I will not bow to this blackmail."

Austin chuckled and then grinned: "That is exactly what I think, we should not leave office a day before our five years. We need the time to convince people and tackle many of our lost sheep."

Richard looked straight into Austin's eyes.

"Can I talk now?"

"Go ahead," Austin retorted.

Richard took a deep breath and said:

"Lawrence, if we hold a national election next year we are facing a massive defeat. You have lost the respect you once had. What can we offer people next year? There is little chance we will make an economic revival." 

"It is not fair to put the blame on the Prime Minister," Joe Saliba said. 

Paul nodded as he secretly pasted his snot under the chair, much to Richard's disgust.

"The Prime Minister has had a hard time, our polls already show that we are gaining ground."

Richard lunged forward: "We are 12 points behind now, and if we campaign well and hard we may bring this down but it will still be a landslide defeat. We have a serious problem, we have three parliamentarians who are openly destabilising government.  And we face two censure motions that will hit at the heart of government."

"Qed taħra taħtek hux, Rich?" interjected Austin.

Everyone giggled, except Paul who was waving his fingers in the air to discharge a snot that was stubbornly hanging on to his index finger.

The quiet laugh was broken by another bleep.

Lawrence searched for his specs in his suit and then looked at his mobile.

"Il-bambin Ġesu, he sent me another SMS!"

The SMS read: 'I cannot understand how Carmelo does not have the dignity to resign his post. He is the problem not me.  I have always been loyal to the party and to you.  And remember in Form 2 I was a star student'.

"Pulċinell," Austin said.

Joe Saliba turned to the Prime Minister: "We can make it, but we have to listen to what all these disgruntled voters are telling us. We need to bridge out to the business community, who used to be with us, and now are no longer with us."

Richard looked at Joe: "How can we bridge to these people, if all they see is a party that caters for your friend Zaren?"

"He only wins tenders because he is better than the rest," replied Joe.

Austin blew a raspberry and started to laugh.

Paul looked at everyone and asked: "Coffee anyone?"

Everyone ignored him, and the Prime Minister asked Paul: "Where is Simon?"

"Prim, I think that he was meeting up with Sandro Chetcuti and he wasn't in a position to leave the meeting..."

"Ajma, if Vince gets to know that Simon is meeting up with Sandro..." the Prime Minister quizzed.

"I think we should focus on the date of the election," Richard said.

"I continue to believe that if we organise a snap election and fine-tune our campaign we will scrap through and win. But we must decide. Our people are getting tired and the media is slowly accepting the fact that you, Lawrence, are a liability."

"Do you believe that?" Lawrence asked Richard.

Richard paused and everyone looked at him.

"No of course not, but the people do and then there's your staff, who don't exactly help."

"Please do not refer again to Edgar, he may not be as capable as you but he is a good soldier. And why isn't Edgar here?"

"Hmmm, did you want him here, Prim?" Paul said.

Everyone shook their heads in disbelief.

Richard could not take it anymore.

"Paul, we are running a political party here not the cubs scouts!"

Interrupting Austin said: "Our polls show that people are starting to warm to Joseph Muscat, but they cannot quite understand if he will make their economic situation better.  We have to harp on this. And we have to show them that he does not have the experience. We also have to point out who is backing him."

"If we do that, they will accuse us of being hypocrites!" Richard said.

"We need to get The Times back," Joe Saliba pointed out.

"That's right, someone needs to talk to Mario de Marco," said Joe.

"Not me," Austin said while laughing.

"Neither me, that family hates me," Richard repeated.

"Who doesn't?" Austin quipped. Paul laughed, and then said: "Let's hear what the Prime Minister has to say."

Gonzi, still fiddling with his mobile, crossed his legs and fixed his eyes on some imaginary object hovering over Joe Saliba's legs.

"I feel that I owe it to the Maltese people to lead them until the end."

Austin Gatt removed his spectacles, and rubbed his eyes until they turned red.

Richard Cachia Caruana fidgeted with his paper, pretending to look for something and Joe Saliba played with his pen and wondered how long this was going to go on.

The only person who seems to be completely unaware of how silly the Prime Minister was being was Pawlu Borg Olivier. 

He continued: "I cannot allow this country to be ruined by Muscat and that man Sceberras Trigona. Can you imagine if instead of George Abela they appoint someone else? Muscat is selfish enough not even to consider appointing me as President.

"And could you all imagine if we had another crisis like Libya? Can you imagine Muscat tackling Libya?  No one could do what I did. A week after hugging Muammar I was able to turn against him. And no one dared ridicule me. But can you imagine Muscat in my position?

"I cannot stand to think that he will be the one to inaugurate the new parliament.  What a cheek, he is telling everyone that if he wins the next election he will invite me to open the new building. Kemm hu kiesah. 

"We have steered this country through such political turmoil. Can you imagine Il-Guy (Karmenu Vella) instead of Tonio Fenech."

Pawlu yawned and let out a little yell.

Austin rubbed his crotch and looked at Joe Saliba and raised his eyebrows.

Richard huffed: "Lawrence this is not all about you, it is about the party and the country. How about devising a strategy to bring back our disgruntled voters. You must remember that many of the reasons for this exodus boil down to indecisiveness on your part. We need to send a message that you mean business."

Pawlu cut Richard short: "The Prime Minister has shown resolve and decisiveness, how dare you speak in this way?!"

"Cut the crap Pawlu, and start talking some sense. Instead of picking your nose you should come here with some concrete proposals."

The messaging bleep went off again. This time it was Joe Saliba's phone:

'Joe, kif int? I sent an SMS to the PM and he did not reply to my message, see if you can get him to reply to me. I have always been loyal to the party and when I called him authoritarian and arrogant and asked him to resign, it was only because he was ignoring me. I am sure you appreciate how much I have sacrificed for the party and my profession. I am also sure that you are one of the few who acknowledge that in Form 2 I was the brightest student. If Joseph Muscat can become leader u kien qishu mazzun, why should I not become leader myself?'

Saliba turned red and passed on the mobile to Austin and he remarked: "What a waste of space! Look here everyone, we were elected to govern, this Debono doesn't have the balls to vote against us in a budget. I will call his bluff. He is politically finished, the longer he goes on wasting our time, the more sympathy we will have from the general public. The most that could happen is that we lose on the censure motion against Carmelo and Richard and both of them would have to resign."

Richard turned red and white and then red again.

"What, do you expect me to resign?"

His voice continued to rise.

"RESIGN?" he screamed as his face turned to red, purple and red again.

And at that moment, the door opened and Simon Busuttil walked in.

"What happened Rich?"

"Nothing, nothing, just leave it."

"I think I have another two votes."

"Who? Sandro Chetcuti?"

"No, someone who evaded VAT and got fined and was pissed off against us. I told him that I would help him."

"And the other one?"

"Well, someone who said that if Richard Cachia Caruana and Carmelo Mifsud Bonnici resign they would definitely vote PN."

Richard dug his face in his hands and mumbled - "Oh my God!"

Oblivious to what was just said, Pawlu turned around to Simon:

"Prosit Simon, prosit. Every vote counts."

DISCLAIMER: All these conversations are fictitious and any resemblance to living persons is regretted.