Only Richard (and Richard alone)…

Remember that 1955 song by The Platters called 'Only You'? The one that went something like...

Ooh, wait, perhaps I'd better not try and sing it myself: if nothing else out of respect for your breakfast, which would otherwise have to be coated in a layer of sawdust and scooped up off the floor.

But at the risk of inducing a national bout of Olympic vomiting all the same, here is a small sample of the lyrics: "Only you can make this world seem right... Only you can make the darkness light... Only you and you alone..."

...followed by variations of the same obsequious and (let's face it) rather silly theme, in which one person - and ONLY one person  - is portrayed as so utterly indispensable to the running of the entire universe, that he or she can never be criticized or challenged in any way... let alone replaced by someone else.

For some bizarre reason, this song was played on the radio all the time when I was a child... or so it seems to me now, looking back through the telescope of time... and this, I suppose, is something of a curiosity unto itself.

Incidentally, the words "when I was a child" refer to the mid- to late 1970s period: a decade universally hailed as among the most creative and eclectic ever in modern music.

It was a time when Led Zeppelin were at their peak; David Bowie was going through his 'ch-ch-ch-ch-changes'; Black Sabbath actually looked and sounded like a rock band; when Bob Dylan was busy producing his best albums ever (IMHO, at any rate)... and when Punk was not only born at last, but already spray-painting its unique signature all over the London underground, and beyond.

And that's all I will say about the 'super sounds of the 1970s' for the time being... otherwise I might as well just stop writing this column right now, and 'put a needle on the record' instead.

And yet, while all that amazing musical creativity was unleashed on the international stage in the background, what was actually getting radio airtime here in Malta in the 1970s? Apart from The Platters, of course?

As I remember, it was an endlessly repeated medley of:

1)        Kenny Rogers: '(You Picked A Fine Time To leave Me) Lucille';

2)        Brotherhood of Man: 'Kisses for Me (Save All Your) Kisses For Me';

3)        Terry Jacks: '(We Had Joy, We Had Fun, We Had) Seasons in The Sun', and;

4)        Queen: 'Bicycle Race'... which I must concede was easily the best of the frequently played oddities on Maltese radio, though I may not have thought so at the time. [Note: I have a distinct memory of my late grandmother listening with rising impatience to Freddie Mercury going on - and on, and on, and on, and on - about how desperately he wanted to 'ride his bicycle'.

"So why don't you just go off and ride it then?" she snapped at last. "No one's stopping you, you know..." Fortunately for both of us, I was too young at the time to understand that the song was not about 'bicycles' at all, but 'bisexuality'. And perhaps that's just as well...]

***

But back to The Platters. Listening to the general reactions to Monday's vote in parliament right now - along the lines that 'only Richard Cachia Caruana (and Richard Cachia Caruana alone)' can possibly 'do the magic' that is required of that particular role - I was instantly transported back in time to a small corner of my childhood... with a radio playing somewhere in the background, and Tony Williams squawking away about the sheer irreplaceability of one particular individual in the greater scheme of things.

Having said that there are a few notable differences. One, the shrieks of panic and disbelief now emanating at full volume from the PN headquarters are considerably higher in pitch than anything even Tony Williams could possibly hope to match. And bearing in mind this is the same Tony Williams who also sang 'Smoke Gets In Your Eyes', that's really saying something.... in fact I am surprised the glass of Stamperija's façade hasn't yet shattered.

Two, even if I personally find The Platters' song to be rather insipid and altogether too sugary for my own tastes... I nonetheless concede that it does deserve a prominent place somewhere in the broader history of Rock 'n' Roll.

More to the point, it has also very clearly withstood the test of time - probably the only test that has ever really mattered in music - and though it was recorded almost 60 years ago, it still occasionally gets a little airplay even in 2012.

***

On both counts, the same cannot be said for the PN extended remix entitled 'Only Richard (And Richard Alone)'. That version has only been out for a few days now, and already it sounds dated, tired, strained and unconvincing.

In a few years' time - after Richard's place will have duly been filled by any of a dozen potential candidates, without anyone even noticing the difference - people will no doubt look back at today's hysteria and recognize it as the unimaginative political spin it really is. And they will probably laugh at the very idea that there were people, back in 2012, who genuinely believed that any one man could be 'irreplaceable' in any one job. Rightly so, I might add: for it is indeed a risible suggestion, in a world which teaches us at every step that the very opposite is true.

***

Naturally, this does not mean that Richard wasn't very good at the job in question. Indeed he was... and I happen to have first-hand experience of this myself, going back to a time when I wrote a series of articles about the local tuna industry.

As I recall it was Richard, as Malta's perm rep, who presented the official Malta government's version of events to the European Commission... whose Fisheries Commissioner happened to be not only Maltese himself, but also a former Foreign Minister (and therefore Richard's previous boss).

I remember thinking how curious it was, back then, that the European Commission would so spectacularly fail to notice how Malta's official explanation for its mathematically improbable tuna export figures included (among many other anomalies) exports made to non-existent companies situated in Belize... or specific landings made by Malta-flagged tuna fishing vessels which somehow (through modern technology, no doubt) succeeded in finding themselves in more than one place at the same time.

These improbabilities emerged glaringly from Cachia Caruana's own report... yet Commissioner Joe Borg saw nothing unusual in any of this. I can only conclude that Richard Cachia Caruana, being so very good at his job, had properly instructed the Maltese Commissioner what his former government wanted him to see, and how he was expected to react.

So yes: I am first to concede that Malta's former ambassador to Europe was both capable and effective in that role... though in the one case I do know a thing or two about, it remains highly debatable whether he used his particular talents to Malta's benefit.

But to argue that "only Richard" can possibly fulfil that role - as some people today are not only arguing, but shouting from the rooftops - is not only ludicrous, but quite frankly arrogant and supremely insulting to boot.

It is an argument that simply buys wholesale into the very worst and most prejudiced version of the traditional Maltese stereotype: i.e., that we are a nation of ignorant, ineffectual, lazy and incompetent brutes, lacking in any sophistication or professionalism, and simply unable to handle any serious role without embarrassing our country in the process.

And this, incidentally, is the very opposite of the message the Nationalist administration has tired so hard to cultivate over the years... i.e., that of a party and government that (unlike the Opposition) has 'boundless faith' in the Maltese people.

Coming from supporters of Richard Cachia Caruana - a man separately described as harbouring 'total disdain' for institutions such as Parliament - and who can really claim to be surprised? This is after all entirely consistent with the impression of a country that has, quite literally, been hijacked by people who are so high on their own self-importance, that they have literally blinded themselves to all other considerations.

In fact, they actually seem to believe the incredible fallacy that they are so busy trying to get the rest of us out here to swallow... i.e., that the wellbeing of the entire country depends only on themselves occupying all the same country's most strategic political positions (when in reality the clean opposite is true - it is their own wellbeing, and not Malta's, that depends on preserving this status quo).

***

Like all myths, this one is easy enough to explode. Many of my own acquaintances gravitate in the same diplomatic circles that were, until last Monday, dominated utterly by Richard Cachia Caruana. Talking to one or two of them after Monday's vote, the impression I got was very different from the impression the PN's media orchestra is currently trying to ram down our collective throats.

All seemed to agree that Richard was, in fact, a good ambassador and a hard act to follow. Nonetheless, within minutes they came up with the names of almost a dozen potential replacements: people who are either manifestly qualified to do the same job, or who would be just as good if applied to that role despite the lack of qualifications.

I won't mention any names here, for the simple reason that one of the better-placed candidates happens to be a close relative of mine - who (though this is now largely forgotten) had handled Malta earliest negotiations with the EU, before accession was abruptly derailed by the 1996 election.

Among the others also considered for the post were a few who form part of Malta's present diplomatic corps, as well as one or two who would have to be airlifted from other departments within the civil service.

Others still were technocrats, whose only question mark is whether it would be even worth their while to relinquish lucrative private sector posts to take up what may well turn out to be a temporary position.

***

And there you have it. People who actually understand what this position is all about - unlike the people currently bawling about it from the rooftops - do not by any stretch of the imagination subscribe to the view that it can 'only' be occupied by Richard Cachia Caruana.

That is a view held only by a handful of people, who just so happen to themselves depend on Richard Cachia Caruana occupying this role indefinitely... a prospect that - not unlike they themselves will be very soon - is already history.