‘Qu’ils payent pour le gym!’

A little birdie told me that One News gave a lot of prominence to a certain article I wrote last week. And you’ll never guess about what, either: let’s just say it wasn’t one of the million or so articles I’ve written about the environment, overdevelopment, hunting, immigration, public transport, the Covid crisis (and government’s recent mishandlings thereof…), etc., etc.

Nope: as I suppose you’ve already guessed, it was an article in which I criticised the Nationalist Party… if, that is, it even qualifies as ‘criticism’ at all.  What I actually wrote was that the PN cannot expect surveys results to ever change… if it keeps doggedly sticking to the same, failed political strategies it has been using since 2013. (And I could say the same for a couple of other parties I know, too…)

But no matter. The real tragedy is that… I missed it. Can you imagine? All those long years, patiently awaiting the ‘15 seconds of fame’ that Andy Warhol once personally promised me… and what happens? When they do finally arrive, it turns out I was too busy playing Civilisation VI at the time to even notice.

I mean, come on. What sort of lousy TV scheduling is that? Don’t station managers know they should time their news broadcasts so as not to coincide with other, much more important matters? Like my latest attempts to vanquish the Hittite Empire, for instance. Or to finally convert the Holy See to Islam (Been trying for 4,000 turns…)

Let’s be realistic, now: I can’t exactly ‘conquer the world’ and ‘watch the news’ at the same time, can I? So please: a little more consideration, next time…

But then, on the bright side: I have no doubt that there will be a ‘next time’, soon enough. For One News will surely take just as much interest in this article, as they did to the other one. I mean: it’s not exactly as though that station has a reputation of being ‘one-sided’, or anything… does it? And this time round, I’ll even be writing about one of their favourite topics, too.

Ian Borg. You know: the Transport Minister who is generally worshipped and drooled over by 99% of the rest of One News’ output anyway (in fact, I’ve just thought of a good name for that ‘New Religion’ I plan to found: ‘Haqqalanqism’…)

In particular, this article will focus on a certain comment Ian Borg uttered at a recent press conference, to inaugurate a public park. You know: the one where he dismissed complaints from residents about the ‘lack of exercise space’, by telling them (in these exact words, I kid you not): “Whoever wants to go to the gym should pay a membership, and go to a gym…”

And yes: I’ll admit up front that it may even seem like I’m splitting hairs… it was, at the end of the day, just a throw-away, off-the-cuff remark; it certainly wasn’t rehearsed, or scripted (or if it was… well, what I can say? Ian Borg should seriously consider firing his current scriptwriter, and directly appointing another one in his place).

But then again: that, in itself, is also what makes it so worthy of such disproportionate attention to begin with. It’s not just ‘what he said’… but ‘how he said it’. And, in both words and attitude… let’s just say the results don’t look too promising, at a glance.

For starters, I suppose it’s just as well that Ian Borg happens to be a Cabinet minister here in Malta – where, let’s face it, we are always so very forgiving of such extraordinary blunders – and not in almost any other part of the world.

In all honesty, I struggle to think of a single country where a supposedly ‘Socialist’ minister would even get away with such open, egregious disdain for the very socio-economic bracket he is actually meant to represent – you know: precisely the sort of people who can’t afford the standard rate of around €250, just for a three-month gym subscription. Not with kids to feed, a mortgage to pay, and a salary that’s just been slashed by a quarter (if not lost altogether) because of the COVID-19 crisis…

And that, to be honest, is almost the least offensive part. For even if we were all financially comfortable enough to afford just under €100 a month on a gym-pass… then… erm… we wouldn’t exactly be able to use it, would we?

In case Dr Borg hasn’t quite noticed this yet: all the gyms are shut, you know. (Actually, to be 100% specific… they were forced to close, because of measures taken by the same government Dr Borg happens to be part of himself. But let’s not split hairs again…)

And this, in turn, is precisely the reason why all those complaints had even been raised in the first place. It was not – as Ian Borg himself seems to think – only out of a deep, personal dislike that many have clearly taken towards that particular individual (and, let us freely admit it: he does have a small point there. Somehow, people tend to form unflattering opinions about those whom they hold responsible for the destruction of their environment. Don’t ask me why; it just happens…).

No: it’s also because, regardless of their own socio-economic circumstances, people of that neighbourhood – and the rest of Malta, too – already feel they’ve been deprived of a service that is (at minimum) ‘good for their health’... at a time when – let’s face it – any little extra help would surely be welcome.

And OK: ‘joining an expensive gym’ might not exactly qualify as a ‘necessity’, either. Many might even consider it a luxury, considering that there are other tried-and-tested ways of improving health and fitness: like outdoor sports, for instance… but…

Oops! All those have been knocked out of action by Covid, too. So even if ‘providing free, outdoor gymnasium services’ might not, in times of normality, ever feature very high in any government’s to-do list… well, we’re not exactly living in ‘normal times’.  Never mind gyms: most of the economy (retail, catering, anything to do with tourism, etc.) is currently on life support… at the cost, our Finance minister tells us, of €5 million a day.

Some of the affected businesses have even warned that unless they are allowed to re-open soon… they may never re-open again: that is to say, not even in the event of an ultimate end to the pandemic itself.

Now: I am the first to admit that I’m hardly what you would call an economist… but I have watched ‘The Wolf Of Wall Street’; and I do know that, at times like these – i.e., when an unprecedented 22% suddenly cites ‘possible job loss’ as a primary cause for concern – ‘disposal income’ becomes something people are generally less keen to actually dispose of. (Again: don’t ask, it just happens).

It is not just the ‘destitute’ or the ‘materially deprived’ who may find that they don’t have an extra €100 a month to blow on anything non-essential. With this much economic uncertainty in the air… I’d say even the more financially secure amongst us would think twice before spending €100 even on groceries… let alone on ‘working on their abs’, before the onset of summer….

So for Ian Borg to respond to those (entirely legitimate) concerns, by almost huffing in impatience as he tells us all to ‘solve of us problems by spending money’ – i.e. the one thing many of us don’t actually have very much of, right now – I don’t know. Perhaps he should thank his lucky stars, not just for having been born in such a forgiving country… but in such a forgiving century, too.

Three hundred years ago, he would probably have ended up paying for that level of thoughtlessness, not just with his job…. but with his head. For whichever way you cut it, it comes across as almost identical as Marie-Antoinette’s ill-fated remark: ‘Qu’ils mangent de la brioche!’ (Only it sounds a whole lot better in the original Borgish: ‘Qu’ils payent pour le gym!’)

Inherent in those words is precisely the same sort of ‘aloofness’ that made Marie-Antoinette so detestable, to the crowds which cheered enthusiastically as she was decapitated. Like that hapless French aristocrat, Ian Borg projects the image of someone so utterly distanced, from the bread-and-butter issues that regulate ordinary people’s lives, that he cannot even begin to comprehend the financial struggles that ordinary people have to face each day….

And let’s face it: he obviously can’t. Because he’s not exactly an ‘ordinary person’, is he? Ordinary people do not get deified, worshipped and drooled upon, every day, in the news…

In any case: by now you will have worked out that I was not overly impressed by our Transport Minister’s exploits this week: and you’re probably thinking that I may also have milked them for slightly more than they’re actually worth, too. Fair enough.

But there is another reason for all this disproportionate attention: and this time, it goes somewhat beyond the persona of Transport Minister Ian Borg himself. So far beyond, in fact, that it takes us right back to that other article I mentioned, above. Remember? The one that was given so much prominence on One News…

How did it go again? ‘Same old strategies, same old results’. Well, guess what? It works just as well the other way around, too. I’ve already seen one political party, in this country, unceremoniously plummet from the dizzying heights of its former arrogance (I’ll leave it to you to work out which). And while the circumstances are obviously different… I’m beginning to see more or less the same thing happening today.

Politicians, allowing themselves to drift so very, very far away from their party’s founding principles… that they end up casually uttering even the most outrageously insensitive comments, on the most inappropriate issues, at the most inopportune moments… without seeming to even notice.

Now, where did I see that, again? Ah yes, of course: The Hittite Empire.  Isn’t it time I crushed their petty rebellion, once and for all? Or… wait, tell you what. I think I’ll turn them into a Vassal (ahem) state instead…