The Great Brain Robbery

Prime Minister Lawrence Gonzi announced that he would stay on till the very last day of his legislature. Now, that does not come as a great surprise to me. If it did, I would be stumped as to what to write about next.

Lawrence Gonzi is predictable.

More than you might think.

It's a pity that the Labour Party continue to believe that he will call an early election.

I attribute Gonzi's decision (or indecision, rather) to the following factors:

1.         He cannot live with taking a decision.

2.         He wants to be the one who inaugurates the ugliest building in Valletta - the parliament (more on this in another column).

3.         He believes that with more time, he can convince the waves of lost sheep to return to the fold.

4.         He's rather fond of the idea of being Prime minister.

Now, that may sound quite crude, but if you really think that our politicians are some great intellectuals who engage in thorough thinking processes in order to arrive at their decisions, you'd be in for quite a shock.

Here's a man who's as obstinate and stubborn as his uncle was, and more so, refuses to listen to his best advisors, who tell him that his campaign approach is a mess.

Again, I hope you will allow me to give a few examples:

1.         He continuously refers to the past... that is, he points to events which occurred 30 or 25 years ago.

2.         He tells everyone that not voting is a vote for Labour - which is exactly what those who wish to hurt the PN want to hear.

3.         He admits that the PN are lagging in the polls.

4.         He emphasises blatant lies - such as the creation of 20,000 jobs.

He is right when he underlines one flaw in the Labour camp. The very fact that the proposals that should underpin Muscat's crusade to take over the throne are unknown and remain unpublicised.

Muscat cannot go on arguing that he has a right not to divulge his manifest.

If Muscat thinks that he has a goddamn right to get elected simply by default, then he really is taking us a for a ride.

Muscat is petrified that once his proposals are published they will be taken to the cleaners by the media. More so, by the traditional janissaries who have made it their business to tackle Labour as if it were a cadaver waiting to be cut up in a mortuary. 

But I'm afraid that is not the way out. Muscat must unveil his proposals. If not, everyone will be saying that he's not fit to defend his own patch and to convince the electorate that he can stand up to all the flak and walk the plank.

If he persists in this puerile stand of keeping his cards to his chest, there will be those - including yours truly - who will persecute him for riding on a campaign based on imagery and presentation, but devoid of content.

Because let's face it, this week's PL congress was the most choreographed event of the week. It showed us young faces, in sharp contrast to the PN's events, which looked more like a Bingo party for the local band club.

What's more, every sentence uttered at the PL conferences was obliged to go through the party's pasteurisation process. Unpredictable veterans were politely offered lollipops and asked to take a walk.

PL now is what the PN used to be best at. Theatre!

With Gonzi at the helm and without anyone to do the thinking, the PN's events have become a meeting place for Dad's Army and the knitting society. 

As in the case of Muscat, Gonzi is non-committal about anything or everything, apart from, that is, when it comes to his personal and moral convictions.

When he was asked what he thought about the family: the usual man and woman, man and man, woman and woman scenario, Gonzi was himself. This time around, he was not Gonzi the politician.

He surmised to his legion of Roman Catholic heaven and hell folk that the family was man and woman, and that anything else was heresy.

It was like hearing a transcript from the Spanish Inquisition. Or better still - Archbishop Gonzi coming back to life.

That is exactly what the PL wanted to hear. That is what we call in marketing - at least in my kind of marketing - 'shooting yourself in the foot'.

Gonzi should have followed his adversaries approach and simply said that he can see society changing... bla bla bla.

With his comment and the booing from the sycophants that came with it, he effectively lost a sizeable chunk of the under 30s gay vote. And believe me, there are more gays around than well-meaning Roman Catholics.

Well, that's politics for you.

But if there is something which I find revolting in all this campaign, it's the choreography. 

That is why direct campaigning is so beautiful.

If you are dying for an example, then here's one for you.

Simon Busuttil on TV and Simon Busuttil on your child friendly divan in your room is one example.

The difference is incredible.

Busuttil on telly comes across like some mannequin who cannot say anything wrong and who can articulate a point without that angelic look and sotto voce voice.

But on my super-comfy sofa, he's a different person entirely.

The scene would go something like this:

"Hi Simon, oh, please come in."

"Hello Saviour, thank you for seeing me."

"Not at all, remember the last time we had met socially we were in Valletta celebrating Malta's entry into the EU, we were having a bite at the Anglo-Maltese resto - it was the only place open that night."

"Yes, I remember and I also told you that I considered your role in the IVA campaign as crucial."

"How sweet of you. Would you like a drink, a whisky perhaps.?'

"No, I don't drink."

"Yeah, I can see that, you aren't the type to drink. Milk? Ruggiata? Sprite? Kinnie?"

"Kinnie please."

"You know, Simon I've been wanting to tell you. You remember when we met in Valletta with Joanna Drake and we had a long discussion."

"Sort of!"

"Well then you had said, sort of promised me and what not, that if you had to get into politics you would do so in a socialist left wing party, and not the Nationalist party."

"I don't remember."

"Convenient. Well, you see then we were discussing Joanna's idea of standing as an MEP.  Joanna was always very ambitious, I was of course against that; I said people would misinterpret her position after her role in IVA. And I said they would do the same for you because of your supposedly independent role as head of MEUSAC."

"Really?"

"Yes really. And you know what, Simon? The very fact that you, David Casa (whom I consider to be rather fake) and Joanna Drake went on to ignore what was the general feeling in IVA that you should not stand is perfectly in line with the thinking that politicians do the wrong thing, and not the right thing. And another thing: it also shows that no one in the public gives a shit about conflict of interest. So there you go." 

"Yes, yes Saviour, I am getting the feeling that I am not really welcome here."

"Well, Simon, I'd just like to tell you that you are very welcome to sit down and listen to my rants, but really, when I hear you talk and in that cherubic voice, I want to throw up so badly that my guts start to hurt. And really, do you expect me to vote for you, or do you expect me to vote for Gonzi, after all he has done to my newspaper, and after your party did its best to unleash that  f****** bitch on me and my family? Just in case you have not realised I am not voting - I am sticking my vote just where it belongs, on my notice board in my office for all to see. And the last person I would vote for is someone like you, who has an ambition to be leader of the new PN."

"Though when I hear how people like Pierre Portelli, and everyone behind Where's Everybody are taking over State TV thanks to Anton Attard and Joe Mizzi, I really begin to wonder about whether I should just go for a protest vote."

As expected, Simon stands up and hobbles to the main door.

I stand up too and shout so that he and his biddillu waiting outside the main door hear me.

"And Simon, by the way: if you see Lawrence and Richard, tell them that next time they want to pick on someone, they should think twice."

For more insight into the life and times of the author make sure to order your pre-publication copy of 'Saying As It Is'.