Beware them when they bear gifts…

No, not the Greeks. Because as James Hacker so aptly informed us in the recent stage revival of 'Yes, Prime Minister'... the Greeks can't actually afford to buy gifts these days.

But the Maltese sure can! And do you want to know why? I'll tell you. Because unlike all those other starving Europeans - including the ones who actually invented democracy in the first place - we in Malta consistently use our own version of that same political model to elect Prime Ministers with a 'par idejn sodi' (not to mention a curious fetish for face-painting - but more of that another time), that's why.

And it is only thanks to the sound economic management of our gloriously safe-handed political leaders that - even in such harsh times of economic uncertainty and global recession - we are the only European nation where ALL citizens still have enough spare change in their pockets to shower their dearly beloved Ministers with presents.

Yes indeed. What better way to demonstrate to the entire world what 'finanzi fis-sod' is all about? How else to prove, once and for all, that our economy really is on a sound footing ... than to lavish gifts, gifts, and MORE gifts upon our glorious ministers... all paid for by our hard-earned cash?

This way, not only do we establish beyond any reasonable doubt that (unlike Ireland, Spain, Italy and pretty much all the Eurozone) we actually have secure jobs that enable us to afford such items... but in so doing, we also make our glorious representatives aware of just how much we really appreciate (sorry, 'admire') and value the hard work and endless self-sacrifice that they always invest into the responsibility of their high office.

It is for this reason too that we, the people of Malta, responded with such warm appreciation and boundless gratitude, when we made the pleasant discovery that these same glorious political leaders had also helped themselves to a much-deserved €500-a-week increase behind our collectives backs... while simultaneously telling us all to 'tighten our own belts'. 

Seriously, I can't tell you how very relieved I was to discover that it was only the ordinary man in the street who was forced to make sacrifices on account of the international economic crisis. For a second there, I worried that - perish the thought! - government ministers, too, would have to downscale their own private aspirations, and maybe even tailor their individual lifestyles to adapt to these penny-pinching times. Can you imagine...?

But no! Thankfully, our glorious political masters were spared such indignity... and as is so very right and fitting, it was the ordinary citizens like you and I, who forked out the extra cash that would enable our Cabinet of Ministers to not only retain all their ill-gotten privileges, but even get a nice cash injection at everybody else's expense.

And rightly so! For how on earth would you and I be able to carry on enjoying the 'peace of mind' brought to us by the present administration, if we also knew that our finance minister was so poorly paid that he couldn't even afford a measly little flight to Valencia (not to mention a measly little Champion's league semi-final ticket) in order to watch Arsenal play live at the stadium?

I mean, think of the implications for a second, will you? How on earth could we possibly carry on firmly believing in the moral and political superiority of the Nationalist administration, if the man we associate with that party's entire economic management were reduced to the indignity of watching a football match at home on TV... just like everybody else?

Honestly, the very idea is simply too ridiculous for words.

But sadly, at this point we must also acknowledge that (much to our country's undying shame) not everyone reasons this way. Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but back at the time of the honoraria saga, there were even some people- if the word 'people' can even be used in this particular context - who just didn't goddamn understand how right their elected representatives were, to simply plunge their arms elbow-deep into the nation's coffers... without even so much as informing the taxpayers whose money they were actually appropriating.

Wait, it gets much worse. For not only did these ungrateful so-and-so's fail utterly to appreciate just how greatly this pay-rise was deserved by their hardworking elected representatives... but they even had the unmitigated temerity to complain about it, too! And even to demand that the money was returned!

I mean, honestly. Whatever is it going to be next? I suppose, by the same bizarre, twisted logic favoured by these 'people', the whole point of us paying taxes is NOT really for our MPs to have their own private kitty to simply dip into from time to time. Listen to these 'people' talk, and you would come away with the absurd idea that our tax money should ideally be spent on benefits that we can ALL enjoy - especially the most under-privileged among us; you know, the social drop-outs who can't even afford to buy their minister a Panettone for Christmas.

Yeah, I know - it's a sign of just how far we have all allowed this country to go to wrack and ruin, all in the name of 'transparency' and 'accountability' and other such new-fangled nonsense. Using the same 'logic', I suppose government itself ought to exist to safeguard the greater good of the entire country... as opposed to just protecting its own exclusive interests and investments, which is what (obviously) the whole point of having government really is.

But in any case: fortunately for our 'peace of mind', our dearly beloved Finance Minister Tonio Fenech - who has so very many admirers, by the way, that he tends to forget which of them actually gave him what, and when - has just spectacularly reconfirmed that all these rumours are false. It is simply not true, he established at a press conference last Friday, that the culture of 'ministers accepting gifts' is somehow on the decline. No indeed: that's just the usual filthy lie put into circulation by the detested Labour Party, which can't seem to understand why so many people in this country admire their ministers to such a degree, that they feel they have to give physical expression to their feelings in the form of luxury goods to be delivered to their humble homes.

But don't worry folks. The truth of the matter is that such gifts are still accepted with open arms by our glorious ministers.

But what if you can't afford to part with your hard-earned cash for the benefit of your minister? How will you face your neighbours and friends, when they all boast about the lavish gifts they gave this year, while you couldn't even afford a roll of wrapping paper?

Not to fear: our ministers are nothing if fully understanding of our individual financial hardships (how could they not be? They created these hardships themselves, remember?) So they will surely understand if, owing to increasing financial commitments as a result of the skyrocketing cost of living across the board - you just can't afford to spend, say €5,000 on an antique Maltese clock, like the good old days.

True, not all of us have that kind of money to burn these days, despite the era of unlimited prosperity brought about by the glorious government of Gonzi. Still, if you all made just a little extra effort... say, by starving your children three out of four days, to save a few euros on groceries here and there... well, you never know: eventually you might save enough for a small gift token from The Clock Studio.

And make no mistake: your children will one day thank you for it, too (or at least, the ones who didn't actually die of malnutrition by the age of six). It is, after all, such a great privilege to go hungry for the greater good of government, that any child who doesn't automatically understand this probably deserved to starve to death anyway.

Ultimately, however, we must accept the reality that not everyone has the wherewithal to actually appreciate the beauty and poetic symmetry of such sacrificing one's own children to satisfy their favourite minister's never-ending greed for goodies.

My advice to such people? Simple. If you still can't afford to buy your minister an antique clock even after selling all your little runts into slavery... why not just make him one instead?

That's right, folks. Homemade traditional Maltese clocks are all the rage these days, or so I'm told. And they're easy, cheap and above all fun to make, too - in fact it's hours of guaranteed fun for the entire family - and for a small personal favour, I will even leak to you the blueprints for a traditional antique Maltese clock that any minister would be proud to swear on live TV that he never knew anything whatsoever about.

So what are you waiting for? Don't miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and apply now to avoid disappointing Tonio Fenech (because trust me: you don't want to see him empty-handed...)