‘No one will turn our streets into a jungle… except me!’

Oh, well. I guess I’ve left it far too late in the day, to send in my own recommendation for this week’s MaltaToday cartoon.

For one thing, because the idea itself only came to me this morning – i.e., one day ahead of publication – but also, because the Robert Abela quote it is based on, was uttered more than a week ago (and even then, it was only reported on one online portal: so there’s a fair chance some of you might have missed it altogether).

But no matter. There is a certain level at which the ‘cartoon-in-my-head’ will probably remain relevant for many, many years to come… if not for all time; and under all administrations of Maltese government.

And besides: the event Robert Abela was actually talking about, when he used that ‘jungle’ analogy – i.e., a much-publicised brawl, involving mostly Syrian nationals, on the main street of Hamrun – certainly hasn’t lost any of its relevance in the meantime, either...

So without any further ado, this was the Prime Minister’s own reaction to that street-fight, when asked for a comment by Lovin Malta: “I want to send a message to those who think that they’re above the law… no one will be allowed to turn our streets into a jungle!”

And this, on the other hand, is how I would have capitalized on that opportunity, were I still a newspaper cartoonist (as, believe it or not, I once was); and assuming, of course, that I possess the talent and skill to actually DRAW any of the following details, instead of merely describe them (sadly, I do not; which also explains why I am no longer a newspaper cartoonist today).

But onto the cartoon itself. We start, as always, with a blank canvas. In the foreground, I invite you to picture a comical rendition of the Hamrun street-fight… which can be done in several ways: I myself would probably favour the classic ‘Batman’ approach (or ‘Popeye’, or ‘Asterix’, etc.)… even because it’s by far the easiest of the lot.

In any case, you know what I mean: a large central cloud of swirling dust, in which an assortment of fists (some wielding knives) and flailing limbs can be seen, engaged in a chaotic flurry of punches and kicks… all punctuated by the mandatory exclamations of ‘BIFF!’, ‘SOCK!’, ‘KAPOW!’, etc.

Oh, and just for a touch of added verisimilitude… I would also include a couple of ‘cartoony’ policemen, here and there: either desperately trying (and failing) to control the ruckus; or else, diving behind the nearest parked car for cover…

Meanwhile, for the background, I invite you to contemplate what a typical Maltese streetscape normally looks like, at the best of times (i.e., when there ISN’T a massive street punch-up, to add to the general chaos.) Naturally, it’s a bit difficult to include all the details, that have already turned our streets into precisely the sort of ‘lawless jungle’ that Abela suddenly wants to avoid…

… but again, you can probably already picture it for yourselves. Side-streets blocked by tower cranes, as far as the eye can see; as more and more gargantuan (and hideous) construction projects rear their ugly heads, above an already severely-disfigured skyline… first overshadowing all surrounding heritage landmarks; then later (as in the latest Manikata monstrosity) obliterating them altogether…

Once again, for the sake of verisimilitude, we shall have to include a few minor details: such as a random construction worker, falling to his death from one of the many tower-blocks under construction (something that seems to happen at least once a month, in this country… perhaps unsurprisingly, seeing as ‘OHSA inspections’ happen a lot less frequently than that…)

As for the streets themselves, these would have to be depicted as they so often are: i.e., permanently ground to a halt, by choking congestion – some of which will be caused by Malta’s exponentially-growing rate of annual traffic accidents (because in case no one’s noticed yet: far more people are killed each year in car-crashes, than in any number of ‘Hamrun street-fights’…) - and of course, endlessly criss-crossed by speeding E-scooters, flying in from all directions… sometimes on the street, sometimes on the pavement… and invariably, without any regard for (or even knowledge of) the Maltese Highway Code.

Speaking of pavements:  on the rare occasions where there even ARE any, to speak of… these will usually be cluttered with far more obstacles than you’d ever find in the undergrowth of a real jungle: from the ever-expanding terraces of restaurants and bars; to piles of uncollected litter, left to fester at every corner; to the scaffolding of any number of building-sites, and/or excavation-craters; to the E-scooters themselves, naturally (which, as a rule, end up getting dumped pretty much anywhere, without a care in the world, the moment they are no longer needed… just like garbage, in fact.)

Heck, at a stretch I’d even try to include a little corner representing one of Malta’s many over-exploited beaches: with every square-inch of the foreshore covered in towels and deckchairs… as a conveyor-belt literally dumps thousands of ‘tourists’ and ‘day-trippers’ each morning, to be duly ripped-off by the same handful of greedy, rapacious ‘entrepreneurs’…

… or how about an entire flock of rare (and supposedly ‘protected’) birds of prey: all enthusiastically gunned out of the sky, on the very first day of Malta’s notoriously under-regulated ‘hunting season’?

But wait, let’s not get too carried away. For one thing, there is literally no end, to the number of issues and/or phenomena which have already reduced our country to the status of a lawless ‘jungle’… long, long before the first punch was even thrown, in that celebrated Hamrun brawl.

And not only is it impossible to include them all, in a single frame; but there isn’t even any need to, anyway. Because whichever example you choose – including all the ones I mentioned, above – they all have at least three things in common.

One: they are all caused – directly, or indirectly - by ‘people who think they are above the law’ [Note: and in some cases, you can’t even blame them, really: it is, after all, the message Robert Abela himself gave out, before the last election… when – among other things – he was ‘guest of honour’, at a banquet organized by a cartel of Gozitan developers…);

Two: they all fall under the category of ‘things that functioning governments are generally supposed to address’ (either through legislation, or – in the overwhelming majority of cases – by simply enforcing a couple of existing laws), and;

Three: they are all issues and/or phenomena that Robert Abela’s government has either chosen to steadfastly ignore, in its first two years of existence; or else, has openly aided and abetted itself… by continuously ‘tweaking’ legislation, to favour precisely those ‘who think they are above the law’ (you know: the same ones he now tells us he has another ‘message’ for…)

And here, I am tempted to add a fourth. They are all a good deal easier to actually contend with, than ‘a massive street-fight involving rival Syrian (or any other nationality) gangs’. For to be fair to those policemen I’ve just lampooned myself… I don’t actually blame them for ‘running away at the first sight of danger’, you know.

For one thing, the Police Force is woefully understaffed – and ill-equipped – to handle any serious disruption of the public peace (and whose fault is that, I wonder… if not the government that is responsible for meeting the police’s operational needs?)

And besides: ‘beefing up the Police Force’ – and especially, increasing its physical presence on our streets – requires a heck of a lot of investment, in human and non-human resources alike. But how much investment does it take to, say, ‘draw up a set of traffic regulations applicable to E-scooters’? (And while I’m at it: to provide a space for them to actually be parked… ideally, without blocking people’s garages, or getting in the way of wheelchair bound pedestrians?) Or to enforce existing laws on hunting? Or to clamp down on building irregularities? Or to…

Again, however, I’ll stop there for now: because the list of things that Robert Abela’s government SHOULD be doing (but very clearly isn’t), to prevent our country from degenerating into the ‘law of the jungle’… it is, quite literally, never-ending.

Ah, but then a bunch of ‘pesky foreigners’ cause a little trouble, on the main street of Hamrun? THAT, of course, is what finally triggers our Prime Minister into taking a little long-overdue action, against this country’s prevailing (and age-old) culture of ‘lawlessness’…

All of which, naturally, brings us to the focal point of our satirical masterpiece:  Robert Abela himself, in full ‘Tarzan’ regalia (i.e., wearing nothing but a leopard-skin loin-cloth, and maybe a dagger clenched between his teeth), swinging in on a llana to ‘save the day’…

… and in the time-honoured ‘Tarzan’ fashion, too! (That is to say: by teaching those ‘primitive savages’ a thing or two, about who’s REALLY the ‘Jungle-King’ around here…)

As for Robert of the Jungle’s speech-bubble: well, it’s right there in the headline. “No one will be allowed to turn our streets into a jungle, because…

… because…

… erm…

…because actually, I’ve already done a pretty good job of that myself!”