Selling the family silver? Selling the entire family, more like it

OK, let me try and work this one out for myself. It is now possible to acquire a Maltese passport for the modest sum of €650,000. Hmm. As it happens, I already have a Maltese passport (which is probably just as well, because I sure as hell don't have €650,000). So, now that a clear monetary value has been attached to this selfsame document... does this mean I can cash in my own Maltese passport for the same sum? Oh wait, mine's second-hand, so I guess it will have to sell for a little less. So how much can I expect for my Maltese citizenship? 200,000? 50,000? A free ticket to Adormidera, perhaps?

Reason I ask is that this sudden, unexpected development comes at a time when I - not unlike a couple of EU countries out there, for example, Greece, Cyprus, Spain, etc. - could actually use a little cash injection. So I called the passport office this morning to enquire if there was any truth to the rumours that they were dishing out cheques for €650,000 in exchange for Maltese passports.

"Mine is in very good condition," I informed the civil servant on the other end. "One owner, hardly used, still under warranty... and it even comes complete with a bio-genetic profile of my personal DNA, should anyone ever want to clone me for posterity."

"Sorry," came the reply, "but you have clearly got the wrong number. This is the Passport Office, Valletta. What you're looking for is Mount Carmel Hospital, Attard. Now, if you don't mind, I have a whole queue of Eastern Europeans to politely inform that they can kiss my ass if they're expecting Maltese citizenship in the next, oh, four decades at the earliest. But thanks for calling anyway..."

"Oh, but you don't understand," I replied. "You see, people like you might have been too busy to notice at the time, but in 2004 Malta joined this thing called the European Union (yes, I know, you'd never guess just by looking at the state of our roads, but I can assure you it's true). And the EU is a 'common market' which is supposed to be governed by these things called 'free market economic principles'. And look: according to European Directive 2πr/#08, there can be no discrimination when it comes to who can and cannot avail of products and/or services that are put up for sale in any community member state.

"What this means in practice is that if I advertise a commodity on the market, I cannot pick and choose whom to sell it to. And if it is possible to buy a product at a certain price, it should, by definition, be just as possible to re-sell the same product at an agreed price to an interested buyer. Capish?

"So, if a brand new Maltese passport costs €650,000... How much will you offer me for my old one?"

This was more or the less the point at which I finally figured that the phone had been hung up on the other end. I don't know, maybe it was something I said. Ah well, looks like I won't be making the Forbes 100 list this year after all.

Meanwhile the implications remain the same, whether or not the government which devised this scheme actually understands them. Maltese citizenship? That is now just another commodity that can be bought (but apparently not sold) on the market alongside Wrangler jeans, Barilla pasta and second-hand Japanese cars. There is however, a slight difference. Unlike ordinary commodities, Maltese citizenship cannot be acquired by any old consumer. Oh, no. The price tag limits clients to the broad category of 'filthy effing rich'; and apart from being able to afford €650,000 at the drop of a hat, prospective buyers are also expected to sit for an interview and convince a board of interrogators - all nicely hand-picked by the Home Affairs Minister - that they are 'reputable' and of 'good character'.

But of course all contingencies are neatly covered in the small print: according to the draft law, in cases where there is doubt (e.g., there are criminal charges against an applicant in his or her home country), the ultimate discretion lies with the same Home Affairs Minister, who is pretty much in control of every stage of the entire process.

In a nutshell, the government of Malta gets to pick and choose exactly on whom to confer citizenship, according to obscure criteria it arbitrarily draws up itself.

Seriously though. The word 'rich' may actually fall short of describing the monumental, earth-shattering cheek inherent in this state of affairs. It is more than rich, for instance, that this latest oddity had to surface at a time when an entire substratum of this country - namely, the eight-pointed-cross aficionados, also known as the anti-immigration, 'proud-to-be-Maltese' clan - is trying to engender a feel-good factor built precisely on the issue of the Maltese identity - which they still seem to think is somehow 'unique' or 'special', despite the fact that it has now become possible to acquire your own private Maltese identity on eBay.

Still, that is a good place start analysing this extraordinary development. Just pause for a moment to consider how much we have invested over the years in building up an artificial sense of patriotism, based specifically on everything that we believe makes our culture special or unique. 'Our heritage, our lager', sort of thing. Just think of all the people who have resorted to misplaced patriotism in their ongoing rants against immigrants in general (and asylum seekers in particular) - especially the particularly odious variety who also argue that Malta is too 'full up' to cope with any more arrivals...

These people must be feeling particularly stupid now that Malta has openly declared to the entire world that it has acres upon acres of space for people who are willing to part with €650,000 in cash. And how utterly idiotic the same people suddenly start to sound, too...  when they continue to argue about the 'uniqueness' of a Maltese identity that can simply be bought by any old retired third-world tin-pot dictator - or any other category of person who has that sort of money stashed away in his or her secret Swiss bank account.

But for a change I am going to ignore the army of misplaced patriots and instead home in on the truly bizarre implications of a law which reduces our own national identity to a tradable commodity like so many others. The real trouble I immediately discern in the very notion of putting nationality up for sale is, well, what about all those people who have been unfairly denied a Maltese passport (or made to wait years and years longer than they should for one), even though they already meet all the necessary criteria? How exactly does one explain to these people that... well, it's their own fault for not being able to cough up €650,000 on demand?

In case you are wondering who on earth I'm on about now, please note that (apart from all the 'Malta first and foremost' misplaced patriots I alluded to above) this country is also home to a large-ish population of ex-pats from a wide variety of different countries. In many cases we invited such people here ourselves, by tinkering with our tax regimes to persuade them to deposit their pensions here or to set up nice little gambling dens which would be considered illegal in their own home countries.

And oh, look: a sizeable chunk of these selfsame guests we invited to our home are currently initiating legal action against Malta in the European Court of Human Rights for discrimination on a number of issues - among them, the rates they pay for electricity, water, rent and other basic essentials, as well as (and herein lies the rub) the difficulties encountered in applying for permanent residency and, in some cases, citizenship.

One recurring claim in such complaints is that the government of Malta deliberately creates obstacles to naturalisation of foreign residents, or even to the provision of permanent residency permits (to which anyone who has contributed taxes for over five years is theoretically entitled).

In another article, no so long ago, I quoted from a study by a local university undergraduate who discovered that foreigners residing in Malta are routinely denied residency permits through a number of rather unsubtle stratagems, including a ploy designed to sidestep EU legislation by making it technically impossible for foreigners to stay in Malta for five years at a stretch.

Allow me to quote from this article: "Although the primary scope is to evaluate the demand and supply side of the immigrant labour market, the dissertation also takes in the current legislative framework that Malta applies to applications for visas, work permits, temporary and/or permanent residency permits and ultimately citizenship.

"Interviews with third-country nationals who passed through any of the above processes reveal frequent complaints about policies which appear designed to prevent regular migrants from obtaining permanent residency - even if they are fully entitled to it according to EU law and in some cases have been contributing to the economy for 20 years or more."

Got that? So people who go through all the motions of trying to obtain citizenship LEGALLY - and please note we're not only talking about 'irregular migrants' here, but also foreigners who are already employed in Malta, who pay their taxes in Malta, whose children go to school in Malta, and who meet all the necessary requirements for Maltese citizenship - are ultimately denied Maltese nationality by a government which simultaneously advertises Maltese nationality to people who do NOT meet any of those criteria - but who can afford to spend up to around two-thirds of a million euros.

Out of curiosity, how does one actually justify that situation to the small army of mostly EU nationals who are currently suing our asses in the European Court? How do we explain to these people that even when (or if) they do eventually manage to lay their hands on a Maltese passport, their children will still not be automatically eligible for Maltese nationality and will have to apply separately to the police for a passport when they turn 18? This at a time when the people who simply buy their own passport, without meeting any of the same eligibility criteria, can also pay a little extra and buy additional passports for their wives and their children... for all the world as if they were ordering a McMenu Happy Meal with large fries and a coke.

Seriously, I think we may have just surpassed even my most abysmal expectations when it comes to exhibiting naked greed and cavalier disregard for the most basic notions of social justice. But at the same time, can anyone really claim to be surprised?

After all, it's not as though we've ever even made much of an effort to cover our tracks. We are and have always been an unashamedly and unabashedly money-grabbing nation. The only difference is that we are now blatantly advertising this unsightly characteristic to the world, when it should really be hidden away in the cupboard as our dirtiest national secret.