New definition of irony: Robert Abela complaining about ‘cushy jobs’

Out of curiosity: has the Prime Minister ever considered hiring a professional public-speaking consultant? Or – if that’s too expensive (you know: on top of all the ‘superyacht fuel’, and everything else) – just literally picking anyone with half-a-brain from off the street, and asking for a little advice on ‘what to say’?

No, I didn’t think so either. Take the interview Robert Abela gave – on his own party media, please note – soon after the full extent of the ‘shock’ EP election result was made public.

In a welcome break with tradition, the interviewer actually asked some pretty pointed questions: all couched in the usual deferential tones, of course… but however differently they may have been worded, they could all be more or less summed up as:

“So, um… what went wrong? How did this supposed ‘solid victory for Labour’ [ahem] somehow end up turning into a defeat so utterly cataclysmic, that Labour lost not only its one-seat majority in the European Parliament… but also, more than 30,000 of its own supporters, in one fell swoop?’

But before turning to the (rather incredible) answer the Prime Minister actually gave … let’s pause to consider what a professional public-speaking consultant – or even his ninety-year-old next-door neighbour, if it comes to it – might have counselled him to say, or not say, in answer to that question.

Now: I am, of course, not exactly a ‘professional public-speaking consultant’, myself (though who knows? If Joseph Muscat can suddenly become a world authority on tropical birds… well, ‘the sky’s the limit’, innit?) All the same, however: I’m fairly confident that any expert in the field would probably have advised the Prime Minister to do some, if not all, of the following things:

Properly analyse the election result, before offering any ‘interpretation’ of it;

Acknowledge that the result is an unmistakable ‘warning shot across the bows’ (or a ‘Yellow Card’, as this newspaper’s editorial put it last Sunday); and as such…

Choose your words VERY carefully, to project the general message that the above ‘warning’ has been well-and-truly understood; that your administration has learnt all the lessons from its past mistakes; and above all, that you shall henceforth strive, to the best of your abilities, not to persist with such mistakes in future.

Or something like that, anyway. The exact wording may vary wildly, from consultant to consultant…. but I have no doubt that their advice would bear at least a vague resemblance, to any-or-all of the above.

Unless, of course, they’re the ones that Robert Abela actually hired: in which case, their advice would probably have sounded like…

… well, a little like the advice that Penultimo gives to El Presidente, in the popular ‘Tropico’ video-game series [Note: I’ve written about this game before; you’ll find the article here. For now, all you need to know is that the game parodies a Banana Republic somewhere in the Caribbean: in which the player assumes the role of ‘tin-pot dictator’]

Among the many options Penultimo offers, when it comes to writing your Campaign Speech for the forthcoming elections, is… ‘Praise Yourself’ (as tinpot dictators are after all expected to do: especially if they are also equipped with something called the, ahem, ‘Megalomaniac’ perk.)

In the game, the resulting ‘campaign speech’ sounds something like: ‘Yes, there are problems. There will always be problems! But as your Presidente, I have worked tirelessly, night and day… done quite a job, let me tell you!... to address those very problems you all complain about. And I would have succeeded, too… if it wasn’t for those pesky, meddling [Liberals / Environmentalists / Militarists / Communists / Capitalists/ Etc., etc.] who kept getting in the way…’

Oh, OK. I was quoting from memory, there… and ‘Scooby Doo’ somehow got tangled up in the mix. But you get the general idea, regardless.

In a video game which simulates a god-forsaken Caribbean Banana Republic, ruled by a demagogue who openly sneers at the entire democratic process… you get the additional option of irritating your subjects even further, through a combination of ‘praising yourself’ (when they are starving); and ‘blaming everything and everybody for your own mistakes’ (which caused them to starve, in the first place).

But, well, ‘Tropico’ is a video-game; and one other feature of video-games is that it doesn’t matter all that very much, if you pick the wrong option during gameplay. (In other words: you can always just start out all over again, after the ‘Game Over’ message.)

In real life, however? Not so much. Which, I suppose, explains my utter bewilderment, when I heard the Prime Minister – with my own ears, please note (I wasn’t willing to rely only on newspaper paraphrases, for this one) – using exactly the same ‘Praise Yourself’ option (complete with the ‘Blame everybody else’ part), in that same interview!

Don’t believe me? What follows is a word for word reproduction, of Robert Abela’s actual reply.

“We made mistakes, of course we did. But one thing I feel no remorse about, is that: if you were to ask me whether, in these past months, [my government] could have given a single minute’s worth of more commitment, work, dedication and sacrifice… it would be difficult to find one. It doesn’t mean we didn’t make mistakes: but our commitment to the national – not partisan – cause was… TOTAL.” [His emphasis]

And if that’s not enough to convince you, on its own: he continued by complaining about all the lesser ‘minions’, within his government’s hierarchy, that ‘let the side down’ by not ‘pulling the same rope’… while somehow managing to continue ‘praising himself’, the whole time!

“But is this commitment being felt by everybody, across the board? It’s a question I would like to throw out there, because… I’m not just talking about people who are in the top tier, LIKE ME [my emphasis, this time], because I’m very satisfied with their work, commitment and dedication. However, when you start going down the pyramid… people in government structures aren’t there to have a cushy job [Yes, he really said that!] and I want to make this message clear. Those who want that kind of work must take a decision tomorrow, before it is forced upon them.”

Honestly, though. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Robert Abela really DID hire Penultimo, as his personal speech-writer. Because let’s face it, folks: that’s almost a text-book, blow-by-blow manual on precisely what NOT to say, under circumstances such as these.

Not only did Robert Abela manage to convince all his listeners – in the space of around five seconds flat – that he very clearly did NOT understand the warning message, fired across his bows by the electorate last Sunday… but he also managed to deflect the blame for all his own failings, onto the very people whose support he needs the most: if, that is, his general plans for the immediate future also include ‘surviving the current political sh*t-storm’ (apart from the usual ‘boating holiday to Sicily’, of course).

That is to say: Malta’s public service employees. People ‘lower down the political pyramid’, than himself. Subordinates, further down the line…

You know: the same ‘pesky, meddling civil servants’, that Robert Abela’s own government had actually appointed to those ‘cushy jobs’, in the first place… and – not in all cases, perhaps; but certainly in quite a few few – SPECIFICALLY IN EXCHANGE FOR THEIR POLITICAL SUPPORT!!

But wait, it gets better! Among other accusations, the Prime Minister now blames those civil servants for ‘not taking decisions, unless they are forced upon them!’

I mean, it’s almost as though Robert Abela is trying to create his own, unique definition of thew word ‘Irony’, here (you know: just to add to the list already started by Alanis Morisette, back in the 1990s).

On one hand, he is blaming the people he appointed himself, for actually accomplishing the tasks he himself had given them to do (specifically, I refer to the task of ‘implementing government policy’, which – in case the Prime Minister has forgotten – remains the primary function of any self-respecting Civil Service, to begin with);

But he’s also accusing them of ‘only taking decisions when they are forced to’ (a criticism that has, oh! so often been levelled at himself, in the recent past); and above all, of enjoying ‘cushy jobs’…

…. which, by definition, refers to jobs where the employee is paid a handsome salary, for doing ‘nothing-or-next-to-nothing’; but what really makes those jobs so ‘cushy’, is that there are never any consequences to be faced, by employees who (for whatever reason) screw things up.

I mean, the question almost asks itself, doesn’t it? Whose job is ‘cushier’, might I ask?

The civil servant, who potentially faces any number of internal disciplinary proceedings in case of poor performance (and sometimes criminal repercussions, too: as we all saw recently in the Vitals case)?

Or is it the Prime Minister: who first ‘praises himself’ for elections he didn’t actually win; and then ‘blames everyone and everything else’, for a defeat that was ultimately brought about by his very own (unacknowledged) failures and shortcomings?

But, oh well. Once again, I suspect this is something a professional consultant might have warned Robert Abela about (if he hadn’t already chosen Penultimo, naturally):

“Oh, and one last thing. Whatever you do: do NOT complain about ‘cushy jobs, further down the political pyramid’… unless you want people out there to start questioning whether you yourself actually deserve the ‘cushy job’ THEY had entrusted you with, at the last election.”

Just saying, that’s all…