Still stuck for a NYE bash?

So for all of my readers who may be in that typical mid-December quandary of having left it too late to book a venue for their New Year's Eve party, or who don't want to spend €160 to wade knee-deep into an ocean of vomit and broken glass... look no further. A great new classy place has just come onto the scene (well, apparently it's been there for a while, but nobody ever noticed). You might want to check it out.

It's called the Maltese Courts of Justice: and I think you'll agree the name alone has a certain panache. Just the sort of place for a right royal piss-up, I'd say. And centrally located, too. Slap bang in the middle of Republic Street, in the City Built By Gentlemen for Gentleman's Clubs.

Parking is admittedly a bit of a pain in the rear bumper, but free transport to and from the Police Headquarters in Floriana, and/or the Corradino Recreational Facility in Paola, can always be provided in the comfort of a police security van, complete with personal motorbike escort.

Once you get there, you will see that the venue itself was simply designed for entertainment. It is neatly divided into courtrooms of various shapes and sizes: from Awla 1 for the grand ball with gala dinner, all the way down to the Advocates' Chambers for the smaller, more intimate gatherings. At every corner there is a television monitor showing hilarious artistic installations (such as the court timetable, which always tells you that your session was supposed to start nine hours earlier). And there is literally no limit to the amount of clowns the place can accommodate... most of them already in togas.

Great place for magic shows, too. Why, at a recent courtroom party a judge managed to make an entire civil right disappear... when he ruled that a sex change operation that was enough to reassign the gender on someone's ID card, was not enough for the same person to get married to a partner of the opposite sex. Honestly. Who is David Copperfield?

And if it's music that worries you... worry not. Unlike most venues, the Maltese Courts of Justice has its own PA (Partying Attorneys) system, so you're guaranteed raucous tunes at top volume. Besides, most DJs are in and out of court half the time anyway: you could always get DJ Banana to spin the decks while awaiting trial for assault of a warden (Hey, parties get out of hand sometimes. What can you do?). If not, the place even has its own inhouse band: the Stenographonics. You can boogie late into the night to the rhythm of the clicks, and the random shouts of 'Farrugia Joseph, Farrugia Joseph, Abela Joe, Abela Joe' echoing in the corridors (it will one day be a huge hit on dancefloors worldwide, I promise you).

As for adult entertainment, pole dancers are certainly not an uncommon sight in the Maltese Courts of Justice. Remember when around 27 of them were arraigned in a single session, after the police busted one of the first gentlemen's clubs a few years ago? As I recall they were rushed to court straight from the depot without even being allowed a change of clothing... so that the magistrate could 'see them for what they really are'. I am sure they inspected them very closely indeed.

Apparently some of them were still in bondage gear at the time (or so many male lawyers will tell you after a few drinks, often with a dreamy look in their eye). Well, they're already in costume, aren't they? So why not put their talents and skills to good use while they're lounging about doing nothing?

But courtrooms are pretty cool places to throw a party for other reasons, too. Security? It's already there. Police permit? No need: the police are on the guest list. And you don't even have to worry about gatecrashers. They get arrested immediately upon entry.

Then there are the less obvious advantages. Not only are the Maltese Courts of Justice the only public building in Malta in which smoking is both permitted and encouraged... but if you run out of your own smokes, there's always a stash of contraband cigarettes confiscated by the police and kept in the court lockroom downstairs. (I am told there are other things there that might be of use in a party... but of course none of that would be necessary in such a classy environment, now would it?).

But by far the most significant reason why the Malta Courts of Justice are an ideal place for a good old fashioned bash is that... well, they're not exactly very good for the purpose of dispensing justice, now are they? Which is why I suppose it sort of makes sense that Magistrate Carol Peralta would finally give up even trying, and launch himself headlong into the entertainment sector instead.

I imagine you all know the details of the latest little fling at the law courts. Leaving aside (for now) the minor detail concerning an illegal arrest order issued "with slurred speech" by a magistrate who was allegedly "swirling a drink in one hand and smoking a cigarette" (source: The Times)... the last few times the Maltese Courts of Justice were used for any purpose other than partying, the results were kind of disastrous really. It was in Magistrate Peralta's courtroom that an attempted murder was let off the hook altogether, simply because the crime had taken place in Mellieha: where, as everyone knows, it is culturally acceptable for people to try and kill each other when referred to as 'pufti'. Happens every week...

The case is worth revisiting because it tells us a lot about Magistrate Peralta's concept of justice, and why a sudden career change on his part was actually quite a good idea. The accused had run a man down in his car, causing serious permanent disability, in retaliation to being called a homosexual. Peralta reasoned that no punishment was necessary because the accused "lives in Mellieha, and in his psyche, had a reputation to defend in his village". So he gave him a conditional discharge... thus sending out the message that it's perfectly OK to indulge in a little attempted homicide now and again, so long as you were born in a little village. Just don't overdo it next time, OK?

Yes, it suddenly becomes easy to see why the same magistrate would also turn out to be a rather wicked host and party organiser. That kind of behaviour actually works out quite nicely when you're throwing a party instead of throwing people into jail. So you drank a little too much, puked your guts up on the Persian carpet and accidentally demolished that priceless antique vase in the corner? Hey, that's OK, we've all done worse in our time. Here, have a coffee and make sure you don't drive home.

Absolutely fabulous. I'd party in his courtroom like there's no tomorrow...

But back to the business at which he is somewhat less adept. The same magistrate Peralta also recently ruled that crimes committed by foreigners should be dealt with more harshly than equivalent crimes committed by Maltese citizens. I kid you not, this is what he said: "a petty crime becomes serious when the person/s responsible for such acts are individuals in a hospitable country". Not much to argue with there: it is just an extension of the same concept at work in the earlier ruling, only replacing 'Mellieha' with 'Malta', and 'Malta' with the rest of world. There's one set of rules if you were born on a little island in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea... and another if you were born anywhere else on the remaining 99.9999999% of the entire planet.

Doesn't exactly work in the context of justice administration - being blind, justice shouldn't really be able to even see a passport, let alone distinguish between different ones - but transpose it onto the party scene, and... woo-hoo! It's exactly the same concept as VIP membership of an exclusive club. Just like the good old days at Axis, in fact. Members simply sail in past everyone else, while the rest of the lesser mortals queue outside for hours... all desperately trying to spot member friends of their own to get them in faster and maybe even for free. That's how it works at Peralta's parties, too. Just flash your Maltese passport to the bouncer at the door, and you are whisked straight into the VIP lounge and given a free cocktail... while a queue of foreign scumbags is left out in the cold, waiting for a justice that will never be served.

So what are you all waiting for? Call the Commission for the Administration of Justice today, and book a courtroom for your own New Year's Eve bash while the offer lasts. Which will probably be forever, because... and this is truly spectacular crux of the matter... there is no actual way to remove a judge or magistrate, no matter how hard he or she screws up. No way, that is, short of parliamentary impeachment; and that never works in practice because... well, let's just say they've turned parliament into a Bingo hall, and leave it at that.

And no, they can't even get together and do the right thing when the magistrate's behaviour is truly execrable and intolerable, as it was in this case. Because turning a courtroom into a party is the least of the issues here... there is also blatant abuse of power. The magistrate issued an arrest warrant for a journalist when the court was not in session, and he therefore had no legal authority to take any such action at all. And if it transpires that the court was in session... or that he declared it open for the purpose of ordering the arrest... it would be even worse. It would be a case of handing down judgement, literally while having a ball.

But no, looks like we're lumped with the lot of them no matter how ridiculous they make themselves and the institution they represent look. It's like that old Mastercard ad. A price to pay for everything, yes... but making a total mockery of the justice system? Issuing illegal arrest orders? Literally reducing the Courts of Justice to one's own private party? Unimpeachable..