Ghost in the machine

As I may have mentioned before, I am not exactly a superstitious man. But just as the deeply religious are occasionally plagued by doubt, so too are the deeply sceptical: especially when the sheer extent of weirdness that surrounds them can only be explained by not-entirely-natural phenomena.

Take Enemalta, for instance. A purely dispassionate assessment of its vicissitudes over the past three or four decades can only lead to one possible conclusion: that the state energy corporation is accursed. What? Mismanagement, you say? Corruption? Government interference? Fiddlesticks. All these things are uniquely human phenomena, and as such do not account for the sheer preponderance of blighted ill-fortune that has afflicted Enemalta for so long. 

Certainly it cannot explain the latest story in which the energy provider has been implicated. Corruption at the level of fuel purchase I can understand… even if there is something vaguely metaphysical about how the investigations have so far taken place. And you don’t have to be very ‘smart’ to work out how such a thing as ‘meter tampering’ could have so easily occurred, either. 

But that Enemalta would also find itself implicated in the Mosta cat crucifixion cases? That, of all earthly occupations imaginable, the man arrested for perpetrating all that macabre, semi-Satanic barbarity would just happen to be an Enemalta engineer? No, this is too much, I tell you. It is almost as though there is a hidden, spectral hand guiding all developments in this country, so that if something occurs that is so repugnant, so abhorrent and so indescribably hideous that the entire nation is aroused like Ruzar Briffa’s ‘kotra’ to indignation… then the name of ‘Enemalta’ must somehow, somewhere be mentioned in the story.

And what a story, too. A tale so replete with wanton weirdness that you can’t help but imagining conspiracy theories everywhere you look. Let’s start with the charges, shall we? Nicholas Grech, 37 (AND an Enemalta employee, let’s not forget) has admitted to the act of ‘hanging’ the dead animals… but not to actually killing them. He claims that the animals were already dead at the time, and I suppose this could be taken to mean a number of things: that they were killed by others, or that he collected animal carcasses and (presumably) kept them in a freezer. He could, of course, also be lying. All three scenarios seem equally plausible, at least to me.

This creates a small dilemma for the prosecution. As far as I know there is no law specifically against hanging dead animals upside-down in public – if there were, butchers would surely have a thing or two to say about it – and there is clearly no point in citing animal cruelty laws in this case, as it is not possible to be ‘cruel’ to a dead cat (unless the cat belongs to Erwin Schrödinger, in which case it will also be alive). 

So they either have to prove in court that he did kill those animals, or was somehow complicit in their deaths... or alternatively they can do they usually do in such circumstances, and throw at him whatever other charges they can muster that might actually fit the description. 

Charges like… erm… what was it now? ‘Vilifying the Catholic religion’. Or was that the ‘Cat-lick’ religion? Anyway, something as absurd and manifestly misplaced as that. And I suspect it’s the latter, as there doesn’t seem to be any logical way to ‘vilify’ a religion by killing animals – or, still less, dishonouring their remains – which are not considered ‘sacred’ or even important by that religion, and which have no ritual or theological significance at all outside the realms of the purely pagan.

Never mind Catholicism, which is a new kid on the block anyway. There are older, darker, more ancestral powers in the universe… and they have very visibly left their paw-prints all over this case Raphael Vassallo

One could, I suppose, point towards the specific method of ‘corpse hanging’ preferred in most (but not all) of the Mosta cases. Crucifixion is nowadays universally associated with Christianity – yes, I know it’s terribly unfair on poor Spartacus, but was 2,000 years ago. Get over it – and you can, if you like, infer a cultural/religious significance to its use in this scenario. 

But of course it’s a purely arbitrary factor. Had we been part of the Aztec Empire, he might have cut out their hearts at the top of a makeshift step pyramid, and devoured them while still beating. Had he been Muslim, he would probably have slit their throats or cut off their heads. But we fall into another, marginally different religious historical tradition; and for this reason alone, this man’s antics happened to include a fleeting acknowledgement of this broad cultural reality.

Nonetheless, his actions did offend a great many people in this country; and I imagine most of them would have been (for the same, purely arbitrary reason) Catholic. Again, this points towards a gross flaw in the logic behind the charge. If something offends people who are (mostly) Catholic, it is not the religion that has been vilified, but the people. Yet the police take action to protect an institution from ‘vilification’ – and I’ll resist the temptation to comment on the many occasions this same institution has vilified others, without facing any consequence – while taking no corresponding action to safeguard the interests of the real victims of the crime.

No, not just the animals – those were victims, yes; but ultimately only the means used to impart a message that was clearly targeted elsewhere. The true victims of this episode are all the people who were justifiably outraged and dismayed, as was very obviously intended by the perpetrator. For this we have his own word… including all the notes he left at the scene of the crimes, and even the two signed statements released by the police.

How can the emergence of so many otherworldly phenomena possibly be explained if not through the mounting evidence of a premeditated ritual cursing of Enemalta and all its extended tentacles? Raphael Vassallo

All this evidence points towards a totally different set of motives which have nothing whatsoever to do with Catholicism. So to prove the charge of ‘vilifying the Catholic religion’ in court, the prosecution will have to demonstrate how the entire sequence of crimes was all along intended to be interpreted as an insult to practitioners of the Catholic faith. Exactly how they intend to achieve this, when the suspect has already admitted and explained his motives, is just another mystery to add to this increasingly surreal concatenation (geddit?) of inexplicable events. 

Even if they succeed – let’s face it: it’s the Maltese law courts, anything is possible – the most that can be thrown at the offender is a term of imprisonment between one and six months. That’s an awfully disproportionate sentence for people who genuinely vilify Catholicism – especially when you consider what constitutes ‘vilification’ at law – but at the same time it’s a merely nominal sentence for a case which has infuriated and exasperated the public, yes… but which also seems to defy all logical parameters of criminal justice.

As things stand, the court has ordered a psychiatric evaluation, and – given how the prosecution has already plotted a collision course with the inevitable – perhaps this is just as well.  

Meanwhile, equally inevitably, everyone seems to have spectacularly overlooked the most compelling evidence to emerge from this bizarre picture. The Enemalta connection. Never mind Catholicism, which is a new kid on the block anyway. There are older, darker, more ancestral powers in the universe… and they have very visibly left their paw-prints all over this case.

Think about it: it cannot be a coincidence that while all this animal ritual nonsense was going on – allegedly perpetrated by an Enemalta employee – Enemalta itself was engulfed by one scandal after another. Otherwise, we shall have to believe that corruption on a grand scale went unnoticed by the authorities for years… and only suddenly came to public attention the moment a dead cat was found crucified in Mosta. 

Coincidence, my foot. That’s clear evidence of a Satanic pact if there ever was one: those cats and dogs were not merely ‘crucified’… they were obviously sacrificed as part of a dark alliance aimed at laying a demonic curse upon the state energy corporation, with spectacular effects we have all seen over the past two years. And it is a curse that has spilt out onto other, remotely connected sectors, too… for instance, those areas which were administered by the same minister at the time.

Can anyone be surprised, then, that Arriva buses suddenly developed this ‘habit’ of occasionally bursting into flames? Did nobody notice the distinct smell of brimstone in the air every time this occurred? Or the smouldering hoof-prints in the tarmac? And was it not recently that a bus was taken out of service altogether, after experiencing supernatural phenomena that could only be attributed to (what else) a ghost? 

A technically very capable ghost, I might add. A ghost who knew how to hotwire a motorised vehicle, for instance; and how to fiddle with the electronic systems, so that the headlights magically came on by themselves. Must have been the forlorn spirit of a disgruntled ATP employee… if so, perhaps he could haunt my car instead. I’m having some trouble with the electric windows…

In any case: how can the emergence of so many otherworldly phenomena possibly be explained – all at the same time, and all affecting related sectors of public administration – if not through the mounting evidence of a premeditated ritual cursing of Enemalta and all its extended tentacles?

And yet, faced with so much evidence, all they can come up with is ‘vilifying the Catholic faith’. May the spirit of Elune protect us all…