Tarantino would be proud…

I mean, it had to happen, didn’t it? Just when the police were finally starting to get their act together, and being proactive and productive in the annual war on pesky foreigners… in steps the Ministry for Home Affairs to put a stop to all their newfound initiative before it could have time to flourish.

By now I imagine you will have seen the promotional clip – directed, produced, scored, released and distributed by the Malta Police Force – that was so unceremoniously forced off air by ministerial decree this week. Surely you would have admired the sheer quality of the video production involved… the cutting edge special effects, the Stanislavski school of acting, and above all the astonishingly good choice of music… and like me, are now scratching your heads in bewilderment at how the government of the day just… didn’t… get it.

OK, OK, I know it’s ‘Lejber’ and they have a stereotype to live up to… but come on. If you can’t appreciate the finer cinematic arts in this day and age, you really have no business to be administering the government of the European Capital of Culture 2018. And besides: I for one would like to know by what authority the ministry can claim to know more than the police about how to make a successful short movie.

What film school did they graduate from, I wonder? And who is the Home Affairs Minister, anyway? Roger Ebert? Barry Norman? Eric German? Or just some random lawyer who knows as much about the silver screen as I do?

Whoever it is, it seems that cinema trivia is not his only weak point. Ultimately the justification for removing the video from YouTube was that it “contained flawed information”. Well, I have watched it at least three times – seriously, the music is that good – and I have yet to come across any information that wasn’t 100% correct. (Except, perhaps, that part about how we drive on the left in Malta. Huh? What nonsense. As anyone who’s ever listened to the Maltese Calypso will surely know by heart: “in Malta, everybody drives in the shade…”)

But hey! It’s a small mistake to make in such a lavish and professional production. Left… right… it’s only one of two options, so you have a 50% chance of getting it right anyway. So let’s not get lost in the nitty-gritty.

On all other matters, however, the video was spot on. For instance: it tells us that alcohol impairs our judgment. Honestly, I fail to see how anyone can argue with that. Anyone, that is, except the million or so tourists who come here each year, and who evidently need to be informed of such a fact by the Malta Police Force.

Sort of makes you wonder how alcohol affects one’s judgment in other parts of the world, eh? I mean, I know we’re special and all that… but seriously. Is Malta the only place in the world where you can get sozzled just by drinking alcohol? Well, the Malta Police Force certainly seems to think so, so I suppose it must be true.

Oh, and smoking can damage your health, too. Who would have ever guessed? I’m sure all those million tourists must be thanking their lucky stars that they chose Malta, and not any other part of the world, for their holiday destination this year. Otherwise they would have been deprived of vital information about a health risk they would never have even got to know about in the first place…

Besides: in all this brouhaha, there is another consideration the ministry seems to have missed. The clip was ultimately directed at the aforementioned million or so tourists (or at least, the 0.00001% of them who are blessed with an attention span longer than EIGHT MINUTES)… and who in his right mind would argue against any effort – still less one so artfully executed – to promote Malta as an idyllic destination to the whole world wide web?

So while we’re at it, let’s give some credit where it is due. Clearly, the director must have done his or her homework properly. He or she realised that among the things that sell most in movies these days is… violence.

Not without good reason, either: just consider the current quasi-obsessive craze over Game of Thrones. I mean, absolutely EVERYONE has to now have a Game of Thrones ‘warrior name’ to go with their new-found, screen-inspired thirst for blood. My local vegetable hawker, for instance, now refers to himself as Elton ‘The Cleaver of Innocents’ Camenzuli. Just watching him chop up watermelons with a machete makes my knees go slightly wobbly…

So make no mistake: blood and gore are all the rage among moviegoers these days. They pay good money to see skulls cloven and brains spilled by an unlikely assortment of medieval weapons and instruments of torture. So what better way to get them all flocking to Malta for their summer holidays, than through some good old fashioned, Dario Aregento style B-horror movie footage?

Yeah, sure, jumping off Comino cliffs is dangerous, and all that. But landing headfirst smack onto a rock, and smashing your skull open so that your blood spreads slowly like a red ink-stain on the surface of the deep blue sea? Frigging priceless. Even Quentin Tarantino would find himself reaching for the sick bag under the seat. Ordinary moviegoers? They’d need a standby ambulance…

As things stand, my only complaint about the otherwise entirely deserved ‘X-rating’ for violence is that the skull-smashing scene just wasn’t gory enough. A small pool of blood may whet a few teenage appetites for carnage and destruction, I’ll grant you that. But today’s kids are used to slightly scarier stuff.

So next time, consider also including footage of the hapless victim’s body being torn limb-to limb by a feeding frenzy of great white sharks. And maybe a couple of jellyfish wrapping their tentacles around the shattered remnants of his torso, too. Yep, that’ll keep them all coming back for more…

Another small complaint of mine is that one vital ingredient is simply missing from the final product altogether. We have violence, we have drugs (well, drunkenness anyway), and we have plenty of rock and roll. Excuse me, but… where’s the sex?

What?! You mean to say you’ve never heard the old maxim that “sex sells”? The same Malta Police Force which patrols the streets of Paceville, and therefore walks past around 300 stripclubs every single night? I have to admit, I find that sort of hard to believe…

Still, if you want a handy tip to improve your Youtube hits, there’s a very small modification to the original clip that will surely do the trick. Just like when you illustrated the dangers of high-diving with some good old-fashioned close-up shots of blood and floating corpses, you should extend the same principle to the sexier warnings in the clip, too.

Topless sunbathing, Inspector Sharon Tanti warns us in tenebrous terms (great movie voice, by the way: not since listening to Charles Arrigo commenting on the Good Friday procession have I so utterly pissed myself with fear), is ILLEGAL. So… erm… why not illustrate this important fact with a protracted clip of a topless girl being set upon by six male police officers, handcuffed in front of the jeering crowds, and then dragged shrieking from the beach towards a nearby police van with tinted windows? If nothing else, for the sake of consistency…

Not only would (again) people probably pay good money just to watch something like that on the big screen… but it would also exemplify the precise dangers of what might happen to you if you fail to respect Malta’s customs and traditions while enjoying your holiday on our sunny, peaceful island.

On this score, I feel I must also commend the Malta police force for their ongoing efforts to make both tourists and citizens alike feel so utterly safe and protected in this country. Considering that more police officers are visible in that eight-minute clip than practically any other category of human being, it clearly illustrates how police officers are always at hand in great numbers to see to it that you will always be under observation, 24 hours a day, for your own safety and convenience.

It’s good to know, for instance, that the bar or club you might be having a quiet drink at could at any moment be raided by dozens of uniformed officers, just to make sure you don’t forget the house rules and accidentally light up a cigarette in an absent-minded moment… or buy a drink for someone without checking their ID card first.

So very reassuring… and so very thoughtful of them to remind us that there is always a chance of being arrested and held in a lock-up for failing to heed the friendly advice in that informative video clip.

Yes, indeed. Every tourist will surely be glued to their seats. Otherwise there’s no way in hell they’d be caught dead watching it anyway (which, of course, would be their loss entirely). But now, if you don’t mind, I’m off to start a petition on Avaaz.

“The Malta Police Film Studios urgently need your help. Sign now!”

I think you’ll agree this one’s infinitely more worthwhile than any of the other four billion Avaaz petitions you’ve already signed this morning…