Prezzies for Christmas

Lawrence Gonzi (the City Gate promoter) A crystal ball for Dr Gonzi to look into the future, to see who in his party is about to cause a stir in the press. Ideally the crystal ball should also indicate the time and place of the embarrassing incident yet to take place.

Robert Arrigo (the minister’s assistant) More votes would do, yes more votes would do – to ensure that his presence in parliament is guaranteed forever or at least another five years and with that the assurance of his valid contribution to parliamentary debate. Surely something that should not be missed in the years to come.

Franco Debono (renegade PN backbencher) A big pair of tapping shoes, to be able to make as much possible noise whenever he has a problem attracting attention.

Manwel Delia (Austin Gatt lookalike) To Austin’s faithful personal assistant and ventriloquist, who will be contesting the election next time round, a catalogue of all of Franco Debono’s mistakes, to give him enough ammunition to explain to all Nationalist voters what a better guy he is compared to Debono.

Joseph Muscat (Premier wannabee) A hologram of Auberge de Castille in Valletta, preferably with a layout of the Prime Minister’s office and a colour scheme of the curtains – to allow him to consult with his wife Michelle on the colour scheme just in case he makes it to Castille.

David Agius (unimpressive Nationalist whip) Enfield’s Guide to Elocution: Improved and Classically Divided into Six Parts - Grammar, Composition, Synonomy, Language, Orations, Poems… to help him in his political speeches and diatribes. A genuine present to help him out through his discouraging public appearances.

Tonio Fenech (Finance Minister) For the minister, the book ‘It’s Not My Fault’. A book intended to explain why none of the things that do occur or have happened can be blamed on the minister or his policies.

Joe Mizzi (soft-spoken Labour whip) A mouth organ, to encourage him to play music instead of expressing his opinion in parliament. Which opinion is best kept to himself and not disseminated to others.

Albert Mizzi (low-flying business magnate) A mega abacus to help him out when it comes to counting his cents from all the profits acquired from his property deals in the last 60 years.

George Pullicino (environment minister) For George a detailed map of Malta, to point out which gardens and recreational areas he has inaugurated which are not in his electoral constituency. And as a supplementary gift, a crocodile leather notebook to list down all his achievements since hanging on to his ministerial post.

Joseph Said (entrepreneur, Heritage Malta chairman, Maltapost and Lombard bank chief) For the bubbly character who loves to be loved, some more clerical staff for his post offices, to encourage people to continue using postal services in this country instead of giving up.

David Spiteri Gingell (know-it-all whizz-kid) The superman consultant behind the changes in the emission levels for the new power station. David has now replaced Peter Serracino Inglott as know-it-all guy. For David a small gift from Amazon: ‘Public Procurement in the EU: A Practitioner's Guide’

Austin Gatt (Rottweiler) One-way air ticket and visa to Israel, where he is promised a hero’s welcome and an unforgettable visit thanks to the kindness and loving care of Israeli secret police Shin Bet, in recognition of his outstanding respect for diplomatic etiquette. Attempts to purchase him a return ticket were blocked by Edgar Galea Curmi, who is only too happy to see Lou Bondì’s first cousin off the island.

Richard Cachia Caruana (Malta’s man in Brussels) A brand new job is what the Cardinal wishes for: a job with the EU with a guaranteed pension and decent wage just in case Labour get into Castille and he is coerced to give up his job. The job must preferably come with a guarantee that all travels will always be club class and that all food on board is dietary.

John Dalli (EU Commissioner and prison inmate) For John, a picture of Alcatraz to remind him of the prison-like ambience inside the European Commission, where he works as a handsomely-remunerated Brussels prince. Tears streaming down after his interview with Norman Hamilton where he admitted to feeling like a prisoner in Brussels…

Lou Bondì (Nationalist apologist, and brace-wearing, grease-haired, doughy-faced pretender to the throne of bad journalism and all-round schlock-rocker) A weekend-break in a Franciscan monastery where he can practice air-guitar in a cell. Ideally locked in with Michael Bolton.

Joe (aka Peppi) Azzopardi A piggy bank, to help him out in the new year and the difficult months where he is sure to suffer the brunt of the recession most especially because he will no longer be winning tenders and TV programmes.

Edgar Galea Curmi (PA to the PM) A flamenco guitar to alleviate the boredom inside Castille and all those files that keeping piling up with unfinished business.

Consuelo Scerri Herrera (Magistrate) A time machine to take her right back to the moment she was contemplating whether to invite a brace-wearing, grease-haired, doughy-faced pretender to the throne of bad journalism and all-round schlock-rocker.

David Gatt (former police inspector and lawyer) Blue Ray edition of The Godfather and giant-sized poster of Marlon Brando together with some plastic Magnums.

Stefan Zrinzo Azzopardi (president of the Labour party) The latest edition of Roget’s Thesaurus, just in case he gets rusty with his English prose when editing Maltastar.com and whenever he needs to keep up with Marisa Micallef Leyson’s bad English.

Marisa Micallef Leyson (Nationalist diehard turned Labour lackey) A copy of all the articles she wrote in The Independent to remind her of what a hypocrite she really is when she hits out at the Nationalists.

Andrew Borg Cardona (Lawyer, columnist, 1985 winner Stars In Their Eyes semi-finals for Jabba the Hutt impersonation) Pompous pro-Nationalist columnist who gets the biggest present of all: industrial strength cleansing agent for browntongue and related gum disease from persistent ass-licking. Not to be applied when using heavy machinery, such as his fork and knife.

Patrick Spiteri (let’s call him a ‘former finance guru’) An affidavit to declare all he knows about his former employees and clients and business partners, including all the favours and gifts he awarded in his relative short spree during his unforgettable investment schemes that left everyone chasing him for their money back.