I mean, honestly…

Ever get the feeling your country’s political institutions may have been hijacked by a race of mutant body-snatching aliens while you weren’t looking? That the people you occasionally see on television, all polished and groomed in their jackets and ties, are actually extra-terrestrial invaders who stole the identity of a bunch of Maltese men and women, and now walk around in borrowed skins? 

Honestly, though. It almost reminds me of an episode of Scooby Doo. Picture the scene: a janitor is idly sweeping the floor in one of the corridors of the Stamperija. He is mystified by a series of muffled groans and thumps that seem to be coming from a nearby closet. So he opens the cupboard door… then gasps in amazement as the huddled forms of Simon Busuttil, Chris Said and Beppe Fenech Adami come rolling out onto the floor… bound, gagged and in their underwear.

For let’s face it: the people who currently claim to be those three individuals can only be impostors. We all have an idea of who Simon Busuttil, Chris Said and Beppe Fenech Adami are in real life. We may have different opinions about their politics, but all three have a certain reputation for political astuteness and savoir-faire.

It cannot be, therefore, that they would all simultaneously go off the rails like that, and suddenly start spouting absurd nonsense. It just doesn’t add up. There must be some dark, sinister and impossibly over-elaborate Labour conspiracy at work behind the scenes: a plot to kidnap the entire Opposition leadership, then replace it with a trio of paranoid androids programmed to spontaneously self-destruct…

Either that, or I’ve clearly watched a little too much TV when I was younger. But in any case: let’s take a look at some of the nonsense these body-doubles have been spouting over the last few days, shall we?

Simon Busuttil (or rather his unofficial clone) has just told us that the foundations of the Nationalist Party are ‘truth’ and ‘honesty’. Yes, he really said that. And yes, he was talking about the same Nationalist Party that was steered headlong into a giant iceberg labelled ‘CORRUPTION’ by a certain ‘safe pair of hands’ just a couple of years ago. Not to mention the same PN in which several senior members are currently or have been questioned by police over investigations into their former ministries' activities: Former Gozo minister Giovanna Debono for (allegedly) treating her ministry budget as an extension of her own re-election campaign fund; former resources minister George Pullicino (Mr Clean, remember?) over a dubious contract for photo-voltaic panels allegedly awarded on the eve of the election...

Ah, such honesty. So much truth. So many alleged allegations of mud having allegedly been slung….

OK, at this point one must admit that… well… it’s just too darn easy to punch holes into Busuttil’s claims of spotless sanctity and pious, po-faced political virginity. You can almost hear the soundtrack to Grease in the background: ‘Look at me, I’m Simon B… lousy with my honesty…’ And besides: Busuttil was not, after all, the Prime Minister whose administration sank under the weight of its own corruption. He was not directly responsible for the many, conspicuous examples of political dishonesty that we now associate with the words ‘Nationalist Party’. It is even possible that he may have been entirely unaware of the extent of corruption which characterised the final, inglorious years of that government’s reign. He was away in Brussels for most of that time anyway. And while the stench of corruption was pretty bad, it wasn’t potent enough to be sniffed by nostrils at a distance of 3,000 miles…

But at the same time, we are not talking about ancient history, either. These things happened just a couple of years ago… and evidence is still emerging aplenty of the sheer extent of the rot. This brings me to another small problem with Busuttil’s passionate declarations of sainthood and virtue. Though he seems not to have actually realised this yet… the PN is no longer in government. In other words, it is no longer in that luxurious and enviable position of privilege, where it could always comfortably hush things up. 

On the contrary, it is the Labour Party that now sits comfortably on top of the garbage heap that is Maltese politics in the 21st century. It is the Labour Party that has its hands on the pressure valve; and can therefore unleash, at any time it chooses, any detail of any of a dozen dirty backroom deals that the PN may or may not have concocted (and of whose existence Busuttil may or may not be unaware) over the past three decades.

Hmm. I don’t know about you, but if I were Opposition leader under those kind of circumstances… I’d be a little careful about what I say. I certainly wouldn’t go overboard boasting about my party’s glorious track record of unimpeachable honesty and credibility. And I might think twice before endlessly shouting ‘corruption’ at the top of my voice… only to reel back as the government inevitably responds with one volley of damning revelations after another.

And I would do the same if I was a deputy PN leader, too: unlike Chris Said (or whoever stole his identity), who has just informed us that this country needs – wait for it - ‘honest politicians’. 

This, by the way, is the same Chris Said who was last seen explaining that, in his view, offering private construction work to a constituent for free, at the taxpayer’s expense, does not amount to ‘abusive behaviour’. There is absolutely nothing ‘abusive’ about thrusting one’s arms elbow-deep into the nation’s coffers, to pay for the occasional private project here and there. On the contrary, it’s business as usual. Good for the economy, you see. Keeps the money machine ticking over, and all that…

So yes, Chris Said is perfectly right: ‘political honesty’ is precisely what Malta needs right now. Certainly no need for any crooks, with so many honest politicians about… 

But wait a second. Let’s not forget that these aren’t the real Opposition leaders we’re talking about. The real Simon Busuttil and co. are still bound and gagged in that cupboard, remember? The ones I’ve just quoted are actually the impostors who have been cunningly planted there by the Labour Party to destroy any hope of the PN ever bouncing back from its current, dismal rating at the polls….

The real Simon Busuttil would surely know that, to convince the electorate that he really does intend to make ‘honesty’ and ‘truth’ the hallmark of his leadership, he would have to occasionally put his money where his mouth is. Among other things, he would have to immediately sack anyone within his shadow cabinet who is currently under investigation by the police (as, after all, he had insisted so vehemently in the case of Manuel Mallia last year). And he would have to at least acknowledge that his party has a credibility problem on its hands. He cannot expect his party to be taken seriously as an alternative government, if it simply dismisses all criticism for its past failures as ‘mudslinging’. 

So when Simon Busuttil’s abduction and impersonation are finally discovered by that janitor, and the impostors are finally unmasked (“and we would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those pesky kids...”) the real Opposition leader may wish to snap out of the astonishing state of denial he and his party are so very clearly stuck in. He may finally realise that, with so much excrement still oozing out of his party’s every orifice, impersonating the ‘Maria Goretti of Maltese politics’ is not exactly a very good idea. 

Only then will we be able to talk about an ‘honest’ Opposition party; a party which is ‘honest’ enough to actually admit to its own flaws. And given that the Labour Party does not exactly smell of roses either… a serious Opposition party would actually benefit everyone.