An empty chair speaks volumes about domestic violence

There was an empty chair at the national conference on domestic violence organized by the support group SOAR, on Friday. The woman who should have been sitting in it is named Meryem Bugeja, but although she was one of the founding members of SOAR, she never made it to the conference.

She was killed in her own home in Mgarr in 2012. Quoting from reports at the time, “The mother-of-two was five months’ pregnant with twins when she was killed on September 25. Investigators at first believed she had hit her head against a wardrobe after fainting because of low blood glucose levels (she was diabetic). However, an autopsy revealed two deep wounds in her skull that seemed to have been caused by a blunt object.” A full-blown murder investigation was launched, but to date, the case remains unsolved.

The symbol of that empty chair was one of the most powerful moments during the conference, but it was not the only one.

Like most members of the press I have been to my share of conferences, seminars and workshop on domestic violence, but this one was probably the one which left the most impact because it cut right to the chase. The speakers were all survivors of domestic abuse, each woman with a story to tell, and who voiced various aspects of a problem which seems to be growing alarmingly with each passing year.

One out of four women is affected, we were told, but we were not simply regaled with statistics but with the human face of those who have suffered and who know what it means when the person you loved most in the world turns against you, and raises his fist or abuses you emotionally and psychologically, until you question your own self-worth. As each woman read out her presentation, the others joined in with real-life quotes, either of how they felt, or what was said to them by others.

The truth is that most police officers still treat distressed women who show up at their police station as a nuisance, 'Go back home, sinjura, and try to make it work'.

The powerful first-hand experiences touched upon the realities of what it means when you have to move house as much as 12 times (yes, 12 times) leaving behind your home and belongings so that you feel disoriented and disconnected and very, very vulnerable. As someone who feels dread at the thought of the upheaval which moving house brings with it, I could not begin to imagine such a nomadic life.

Something which also never occurred to me is that the children often have to change schools each time as well which adds to the already existing chaos in their lives. It’s bad enough to know that Daddy hits Mummy, which is enough to screw with anyone’s brain, but to have to face a new school with questions each time of “where did you live before?” and “how come you came to this school in the middle of the year?” must be horrible for a child.

Because in many cases, still, it is the abused woman who has to leave her home, for her own safety and sanity, rather than the abuser being forced to leave.

These are the tangible truths which politicians and the authorities are not still not doing enough about, despite the many debates and conferences on this issue. The truth is that most police officers still treat distressed women who show up at their police station as a nuisance, “Go back home, sinjura, and try to make it work”. There are exceptions of course, and they were mentioned, but there were too many instances where it is the norm.

A woeful lack of sensitivity means that women still do not feel they have the full backing of the law when their other half goes into yet another rage. The survivors also spoke of lawyers who are not better trained to specialise in this field and who do not give women the moral support or proper guidance they need. Again, there are notable exceptions, but with so many cases of domestic abuse, the country is surely crying out for this area of specialization to be given much more importance within the legal field.

In fact, the one underlying theme throughout the conference was the need for more human resources across the board because the number of families requiring help to emerge from this nightmare scenario is too great to ignore. We have known all this for a while of course, and it always beats me why there is always so much free flowing cash around for all sorts of white elephants (that expensive tent which was uselessly set up for the gala dinner when the Queen was here comes to mind) and yet when it comes to channeling funds for dire social problems, it’s down to charitable foundations to sort things out. No wonder that the title of the conference was “My protection from violence, my human right; My government’s responsibility – a call to action”.

The presentations were followed by individual workshops on different themes, and I chose to attend the one on working to prevent a culture of violence, because I feel we need to zero in on the source of where all this aggression which escalates into abuse, is coming from. Unfortunately, we are living in a society where even the very language which is used can create an atmosphere where it is considered “OK” to denigrate not just women, but anyone.

Whether it is bullying at school, at the workplace, or between the four walls of one’s home, the messages being pumped out at us everywhere we go is that might is right, and that those who are in control and hold the power can basically use it to intimidate and humiliate. Unless everyone gets on the same page – from educators, to managers, to the very people entrusted to drive school vans – then the only thing our children will continue absorbing is the “hidden curriculum” which is telling them that offensive language and aggressive behaviour doesn’t matter.

Above all, what truly emerged from this workshop is the need to educate parents and encourage fathers, especially, to play a more active role within the family unit, and not exclude them. This is not a gender war, but a war against the general lack of basic respect - which is where the seed of abuse always starts.

Whether it is bullying at school, at the workplace, or between the four walls of one’s home, the messages being pumped out at us everywhere we go is that might is right, and that those who are in control and hold the power can basically use it to intimidate and humiliate.

Finally, I wish to add that although this was a conference dedicated to women who are survivors, I do feel that in order to be fair, we cannot overlook the harm which women sometimes inflict on men. The idea of a woman “beating up” her husband inevitably provokes sniggers, but we cannot and should not overlook the emotional and psychological damage caused by incessant and relentless verbal abuse. Constant undermining, name-calling, and the emasculation of a man not only leads to a broken, defeated spirit, but is, we must always remember, being witnessed by the children.

If we want daughters to be proud of their mothers for not allowing themselves to be beaten black and blue by a violent spouse, surely we must also show sons that the way a woman should treat a man is with love, understanding and affection, and not continuous browbeating into silent submission.