The Dorks Awaken…

It’s that time of year again, folks, when little children (of all ages) start counting down the calendar days to the most anticipated event of the year. 

What? Oh, who cares about Christmas? There’s a new Star Wars film about to be released, for heaven’s sake! I mean, Christmas only celebrates the birth of a Messiah, you know. And that happens… well, only once, depending on whose version you believe. But Star Wars? There’ve only been six movies by that name in the past 40 years. Nine, if you include all the remakes. 

So naturally, Star Wars has to take precedence in the bigger scheme of things.

And yet, while some of us await in joyful hope the seventh instalment of this epic space fantasy saga, for others the same event looms as ominously as an approaching Death Star. For let’s face it, people. Exciting and fun as it is to have a new Star Wars film to look forward to… not everyone appreciates the sudden emergence of an entire army of clone-dorks that invariably comes with it. 

You know the type I mean: like protocol droids, they are genetically programmed to impart their encyclopaedic knowledge of the Star Wars universe to all within earshot, whether asked to or not. And like Wookies, they might rip your arms out of their sockets, if you innocently suggest that ‘A Phantom Menace’ might not have actually been worse than ‘Return of the Jedi’ after all…

I know, because I am one of them myself. (Except for the arm-ripping part. Like Han Solo, I prefer ‘a good blaster at my side’.) I, too, sat through ‘Episode VI – A New Hope’ in the cinema when it was still just called ‘Star Wars’. And I was there, on the bridge of the Millennium Falcon, as Luke Skywalker (along with millions of viewers) took his first step into a larger world… 

But if, like Han Solo, you go from one side of the galaxy to another, you will see a lot of weird stuff. Among those oddities will be people who have never actually watched any of those six films; who haven’t a clue what I’m on about, and who quite frankly couldn’t give a toss about the private squabbles of dysfunctional family from another galaxy, long long ago.

Think of these people for a change. Just think, how they are now bracing themselves for an Ion Cannon bombardment of every factoid and trivia detail from all six episodes… anything from the length of Jar Jar Binks’ ears, to the cost of building the Death Star, to how to deal with Mynoks chewing on your power cables. 

On top of all the hassle and stress of Christmas, these hapless few will find themselves plunged into conversations full of strange and utterly incomprehensible names: Attitchituk, Moff Tarkin, Princess Amidala, General Leeto, Lando Buzzanca…  sorry, Calrisian… They will be expected to not only know the extended family tree of each character; but also who made which droid, in which episode, and whether the Millennium Falcon really can do the Kessel run in less than five parsecs. They will be bullied by scruffy nerf-herders, for not knowing their Hutts from their Gundarks, or their Lambda shuttles from their X-wing fighters…

And this aura of smug complacency will keep growing and growing, until it surrounds, binds and unites all living things…

And this, you see, is what the army of clone-dorks does not realise: the more they tighten their grip, the more star systems will slip through their fingers. The greater the barrage of Star Wars merchandise and Star Wars paraphernalia, the stronger the Rebellion will grow. And there will come a time, as the Star Wars fever begins to subside, when a thousand nerdy voices will all shout out in fear, and suddenly heard be no more. 

The Empire of the Star Wars dorks will have been ruthlessly crushed in a single stroke, and everything will go back to normal.

Until then, however, you’re just going to have to put up with the Dork Side of the Force for a while. It’s our lot in life, we were made to suffer. So I thought I’d make it a little easier by summarising the story so far.

As we all know, it opens ‘in another galaxy, long long ago’.

This galaxy is ruled by a corrupt Republic, weakened by excessive bureaucracy and unable to do a thing about an invasion of a peaceful planet by a marauding army of corporate crooks. Against this manifestly unjust system, a new hope has arisen. The Sith Order, which (quite rightly) aims to restore political honesty, efficiency, social justice and accountability to the galaxy.

However, the Republic is jealously guarded by a similar order (albeit corrupted by greed and power) called ‘the Jedi’. They send a pair of Jedi Knights to intervene in the invasion: but along the way, these two pious scoundrels manage to swindle a local merchant out of a small slave boy named Anakin Skywalker: sensing, correctly, he’d make a pretty good Jedi Knight himself. 

Forcing the six-year-old child to abandon his tearful mother, and leaving the sobbing merchant (who had always treated the boy well) heartbroken and penniless, they promptly initiate him into their sinister death cult: all along, fearful that the Sith Lords (who have already tried, and failed to defeat the Jedi and rescue the boy) would perceive Anakin’s potential, and convert him to the rebellion against the corrupt Republic.

Anakin grows up to become a powerful Jedi Knight, falls in love with Princess Amidala, but – in true fairy tale fashion – the jealous and vigilant Jedi forbid him to marry the woman he loved. Palpatine, the kindly, avuncular Senator (who is, in secret, a Sith Lord) offers Anakin the one thing he wanted, but which the Jedi denied. He could marry his beloved, and also retain his status … only as a Sith, fighting the just cause to free the galaxy from tyranny.

This is, of course, intolerable to the Jedi, who vow to crush both the Sith uprising and Anakin himself. After many battles – in which Anakin was unjustly accused of numerous atrocities, clearly aimed at tarnishing his reputation and lessening sympathy for the Rebellion – his old master Obi Wan Kenobi hunts him down relentlessly. 

Obi Wan is a treacherous, deceitful Jedi knight who was along jealous of his acolyte’s superior power. In their final encounter, Obi Wan first dismembers Anakin in a light-sabre duel, and then cynically turns away, leaving his former student to get burnt alive in molten lava: legless, armless, and screaming for help.

His wife, Amidala – now pregnant with twins – is so devastated by the cruelty meted to her husband that… she inexplicably dies. The twins are however saved, and are instantly abducted by the Jedi, to be raised in ignorance of their true identity. 

Meanwhile, good senator Palpatine happily reaches the dying Anakin in time, saves his life and constructs a cybernetic suit of armour that restores the use of arms and legs. As far as I am aware, he was never thanked for this remarkable act of charity and generosity to a former student.

Now renamed ‘Darth Vader’, Anakin spends the rest of the saga pursuing his own children to inform them of the truth of their ancestry, and to tearfully beg them to join him in a belated  family reunion. But alas! The twins – Luke Skywalker, a lazy, whiny spoilt brat who spends his time playing with toy X-wing fighters; and the snooty, know-it-all Princess Leia, who was brainwashed from birth by the Republicans – resist their daddy’s overtures, and instead plot his murder.

They are aided once again by Obi Wan, now an old embittered hermit, who lies to Luke about Darth Vader: accusing him of having murdered Anakin (i.e., the crime he committed himself), and seducing the naïve young changeling to the Light Side of the Force. They team up with two good-for-nothing crooks – a notorious gambler and smuggler named Han Solo, and a brutish walking carpet named Chewbacca (both of them fugitives from justice, and cop-killers to boot) and sneakily infiltrate Darth Vader’s home battle station, looking for trouble. 

Vader confronts Obi Wan, and – understandably enough – kills him fair and square in a duel, in retribution for all the grievous injustices inflicted. Though avenged on his enemy, Vader is however prevented from reaching out to his darling son Luke, as the little coward promptly flees… taking with him the plans for Vader’s home, which he now wants to destroy.

Vader pursues Luke to the hidden conspirators’ base, still hoping to be able to convince him of the truth, and lay bare the lies of the evil Republic. It is useless. Luke, aided by the pirate Han, manages to destroy Vader’s space station before he even got the chance.

Now homeless, Vader returns to his trusted friend Palpatine – by this time an Emperor, valiantly trying to restore order in the face of mindless terrorism – to rebuild his home, and once again mount the search for his abducted children. Luke, now completely under the influence of the evil Jedi, also seeks his father… with a view to killing him. 

Father and son confront each other, and Luke finally discovers the truth… but to the last, the ungrateful brat simply refuses to acknowledge Vader as his biological father – preferring to place his trust in all those who had deceived him over the years.

Heart-broken but undeterred, Vader tries one last time, but is forced once again to resort to violence to restrain his unruly, unhinged son. At the last, Luke Skywalker – unable to defeat his more powerful father – ensnares Vader with a truly diabolical trap. He attacks the ageing, benevolent Emperor Palpatine (who had being watching, worried, from the sidelines) – forcing Vader to choose between allegiance to his old friend, who had saved his life and stood by him all those years… or his natural son, ungrateful and deserving though he was.

As any conscientious father would, Vader reluctantly chooses to defend his worthless brat of a son: weeping as he murders his friend by hurling him down a bottomless shaft.

Rather than thanking his father for saving his life, however, Luke seizes the opportunity to wrench off the helmet of Vader’s life-support costume… leaving him to die asphyxiated. The last thing Darth Vader sees as life ebbs away are the malevolent, triumphant eyes of his only son, gloating over his father’s dying breath. 

Without a hero to resist it, the evil Republic now consolidates its stranglehold on the galaxy, and the Jedi once again return to terrorise the universe.