I’ll take it, if no one else wants it

What is this with everyone resigning all of a sudden? Some kind of epidemic?

It started with David Cameron, who announced his resignation as Conservative Party leader (and de facto British Prime Minister) within literally minutes of conceding defeat in the Brexit referendum. That is to say, a few hundred thousand minutes after declaring (last January) that he wouldn’t step down in the event of an ‘Out’ win, because – and here I quote – he “would have to make an exit work if voters rejected EU membership.”

Well, Mr Cameron? British voters have just rejected EU membership. Aren’t you going to work to make Brexit a success, like you promised?

Guess not. But then, Cameron’s resignation was at least understandable. He did after all, lose the referendum; and it was, after all, his ill-fated decision to hold that referendum in the first place. 

Slightly less fathomable was the resignation of Boris Johnson, leader of the successful ‘Out’ campaign. Excuse me, Boris, but if that was your plan all along… then what… why… how… 

I guess what I’m trying to say is: what the heck was the whole point of the referendum, then? How is the result even going to be implemented, if the people who brought it about have no intention of actually making it happen? 

Let’s go over the screenplay again, because it seems you’ve forgotten your lines. Here’s your motivation: you have just won a historic victory, against all odds, and with almost everything stacked against you. You did what many thought was impossible, and successfully convinced a majority of 46 million voters that Britain could (and would) be a better, freer, and more prosperous country outside the EU. 

Well, guess what? Britain believed you, Boris. And quite a few people outside Britain believed you, too. Because in spite of all the moaning and groaning, it IS perfectly possible for a country to both exist and flourish outside the EU. The UK may have taken an economic knock; but at the time of writing it is still the sixth largest economy in the world (even if, by the end by this article, it may well have dropped to 12th). And regardless of its present plight, the UK is still the same glorious nation that gave the world snooker, Worcestershire Sauce, Chicken Tikka Masala and Sir Clive Sinclair. It wouldn’t hurt to show a little belief in your own country, you know… 

The bottom line, Boris, is that you can’t just suddenly turn around say, ‘Gee, guess what? Now that I think about it, maybe Brexit wasn’t such a good idea after all…” 

For one thing, it just doesn’t sound good. And for another… I mean, Jesus, man: where’s your sense of ambition? Where’s the naked thirst for power, the greed, the primal instinct for world domination? And above all... where’s the unbridled opportunism, without which no one in the history of humanity, anywhere in the world, would ever have risen to power at all? 

Speaking of ‘power’: allow me to remind you of a quote by your mentor, Dr Evil from ‘Austin Powers’. “You’ve got to love yourself, if you want to rule the world”. It’s not the only thing you need, granted. You also need to destabilise existing power structures, plunge your country into chaos and confusion, and create a leadership vacuum in order to present yourself as the only solution to the mess you yourself created…. 

Well, you’ve already managed all those other requirements rather nicely, as far as I can see. All that remains is to actually seize the moment… like any self-respecting little demagogue would do, given even one-third the chance.

But no. A gaping opportunity like that, literally just there for the taking… and you slink off into the shadows, mumbling something about ‘not being the right guy for the job…’

If it was just Boris, I’d say… fine, whatever. But the next thing we know, Nigel Farage stepped down as Ukip leader, too… claiming that ‘he wants his life back’. Can you believe it? He could ‘have his life back’ as the Prime Minister who led his country out of the EU… which is after all the political objective he has dreamed of all these years… yet now that the opportunity has finally materialised…  it no longer seems to even interest him.

What would Lady Macbeth have to say to that, I wonder? “Nor time nor place did then adhere, and yet you would make both. They have made themselves, and that their fitness now does unmake you…”

And besides, Nigel: there is a teenie-weenie problem with your observation that: “the political objective of Brexit has been achieved.” Hate to point this out, but… Britain is still technically an EU member state, for the same reason that you yourself are still technically an MEP. ‘Brexit’ hasn’t actually happened yet… and it can’t happen, until someone steps forward to lead the negotiations.

And incidentally, those two were just the start. Since then, everyone and his dog is resigning left, right and centre. Even Chris Evans has stepped down as presenter of Top Gear… after only six episodes! What the heck is going on? What ever happened to the fighting spirit, the thrill of the challenge, and all that? 

Very well, then. It is plain enough where all this is heading. I was actually getting quite comfortable… in fact, I was planning to make the most of my midlife crisis while it lasts. And I had just thought of a good ending for my autobiography, too:  “And he kept getting weirder and weirder till the end of his days…” 

I think it’s a good ending myself; and all the better for being manifestly true. But no matter, guess I’ll have to change it now. How about: “And, seeing as nobody else wanted the job, he stepped into the vacant position of British prime minister, brought the EU to its knees, and went on to dominate the entire Cosmos and beyond… getting weirder and weirder as he went along….”? 

Yes, I must say, it does sound like a good project for the second half of my life. Had nothing better planned anyway. So… when do we start? Yes, Great Britain I’m talking to you: leaderless, rudderless you. When do we get to kick a little EU ass around the negotiating table?

OK, OK, so maybe I don’t qualify for the job because I’m not actually British. Well, I fail to see why that should be a problem only now. The Queen of England is not actually British, either. She’s German, and married to a Greek. And in any case: Britain has a long history of importing foreigners to do all the dirty, rotten jobs no one else wants to do… like plumbing, window-cleaning, garbage collection, and all that. ‘Ruling the country’ seems to have become just another of those occupations; so there’s a fair chance that all your future Prime Ministers will have to be foreigners from now on. 

May as well start getting used to it. And may as well start with me.

Right: now that the objections are out of the way, and all other potential candidates have suddenly remembered they had something else they were supposed to be doing… allow me to lay out my vision for a prosperous Britain outside the EU. 

First up, we’ll need a team of negotiators. And I have just the right people in mind for the job. 

To lead the delegation, I will appoint Vinnie Jones: the former West ham defender, and star of ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smokin’ Barrels’. Vinnie is just the type of person to make the other side of an argument see reason (usually by gouging their eyes out with an ice-pick, and shoving them up Reason’s backside to get a good view.) He has what is known as a forceful way of putting a point across; and the ‘force’ part comes in handy, when you don’t actually have a point in the first place.

Next up, Jeremy Clarkson. At least there’s one guy left in Britain who’s not a quitter. A ‘getting-sacked’-er, perhaps; but even then, he only got sacked because he beat up one of his underlings for not cooking his steak properly. And THAT is exactly the sort of British bulldog attitude we’re going to need. 

Last but not least, Mick Hucknall, the lead singer of ‘Simply Red’. I figure it would give the British negotiating team an edge, if it also included a graphic reminder of why Europe should be desperately keen to get rid of Britain as quickly as possible… and even pay her to leave.

So there, Great Britain. See? Things are looking up already, and I haven’t even got started yet. So what do you say? It’s not like you have much of a choice, you know. It’s either me, or nobody.