Summer lullabies

"Hu, ha, hu, ha, hu, ha," were the only intelligible sounds that could be heard as Joseph lifted the weights.

"Hu, ha, hu, ha, hu, ha."  The sweat soaked his black t-shirt. 

"Hu, ha, hu, ha, hu, ha," he said, as he lifted the 30kg weights on each side.

He decided to put down the weights and then lifted up his t-shirt to wipe the sweat off his forehead. As it unfolded back on his belly, the top straightened out and you could read the wording clearly. 'I am a beast', it read.

As he walked to the showers, Ray Barbara - his assistant - walked hurriedly to his side.

"Prim, it's Malmstrom. She says it's urgent."

"Ix-xjafek, I can't even have a shower in peace."

Joseph wiped his sweaty hands and sat down on a side bench in the gym.

Ray passed Joseph his Blackberry.

"Hello," Joseph said.

"Hello Joseph, this is Cecilia."

"Oh, hello Cecilia, how you are you feeling today?"

"I'm not feeling anything, Joseph."

Joseph looked up desperately and waved his Blackberry in frustration.

"I mean how are you, CECILIA?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I did not quite understand what you were asking about!"

"What is it, Cecilia?"

"Well, Joseph, I was wondering about all these comments that have been posted on my Facebook page. I was wondering whether all Maltese men were obsessed with penises... by this I mean black penises?"

Joseph started to turn red.

"Cecilia, really I have no idea what you are talking about?"

"Well Joseph, I don't know if you've had a look at my Facebook page but I have, and it's full of these sexist, fascist, right-wing and generally very rude comments inviting me to have it off with big black..."

Cecilia burst into an uncontrollable sob.

As Joseph wondered what to say next, he caught from the corner of his eye an athletic woman with a leopard leotard running on a treadmill. As she ran, her ponytail flew from side to side. Ray Barbara noticed his boss staring and grinned, and then turned to Joseph and whispered: "Prim, she is still on the line!"

"Cecilia, honestly, I am in complete agreement with you. The comments you've received are unacceptable, and I condemn them..."

Just as he was about to finish his sentence, the woman in the leopard leotard walked towards in his direction. He could not move his eyes away from her cleavage and he smiled.

"Joseph are you still there? Joseph...  Joseph... Joseph."

The woman passed by his side, and the Prime Minister nodded politely as he passed.

"Joseph.  Joseph..."

"Oh yes, the line seems to have gone dead. What I meant to say is that these comments are not representative of the Maltese people. We are not at all racist."

"I hope you will condemn them."

"Yes I will."

"Joseph, thank you so much and have a very nice day."

"Thank you Cecilia and you too, and please don't worry about any of this. If there are other rude comments please let me know."

Muscat turned to Ray Barbara.

"Get me Kurt, tell him to get a journalist to ask me about these comments on Malmstrom."

As he walked into a shower room, a muscular looking man walked up to Muscat.

He looked at Muscat straight in the eye.

Muscat could not quite figure out whether the man was going to bludgeon him or talk to him.

"Security, security," he called.

Rushing into the shower rooms, a big burly clean-shaven gorilla in a suit barged in followed by a visibly distressed Ray Barbara.

"Le, le, Prim, I only wanted to tell you..."

The security officer jumped on the man, and in confusion pulled off his towel.

"Wait, wait... I think I made a mistake. Tell me, did you want to tell me something?"

The big hulk looked at him from behind the security guy. He pulled the towel over his crotch.

"U Iva Prim, I just wanted to congratulate you on what you are doing - keeping this black filth from entering our country. And just to tell you that I sent Malmstrom a message on her Facebook to get a life, or if she loved black so much she should do what she is best at doing."

The Prime Minister smiled politely and then rushed off and disappeared into the shower room. 

"I think I need a cold shower, I cannot take this anymore," he mumbled.

***

Chris Said lifted the phone.

"Kap?" he said.

"Yes, Chris?"

"Kap, I have a small problem. I was looking at these figures and I cannot quite figure out whether it is €13.56 million or €13.78 million we are in the red. Do you know the reason?"

Simon sighed.

"A minute."

Simon Busuttil was still in his boxer shorts and making himself a coffee. Gypsy looked up at him and panted and wagged her tail.

"Wait, wait, I'm on the phone. Wait! Don't be naughty."

"What did you say?" asked Chris.

"Sorry, I was talking to the dog!"

"It's okay, Kap."

Simon looked through his file and searched for the audit report.

"Chris, most of it has to do with national insurance papers and then there are those printing costs. You know how much we owe Kasco?"

"No, I don't know. How much?"

"Well, you better find out, because sooner or later he is going to come down on us like tonne of bricks. Most especially after we hit out him during the campaign and after. No one really told me that we buy all our paper for the printing press from that  - skuzi - asshole."

Gypsy stuffed her big black nose in Simon's crotch.

"Gypsy stop it, stop it, don't do that again... how very naughty, corner. GO TO THE CORNER!"

"What kap?"

"Nothing, I was talking to Gypsy! And by the way Chris, we have to talk to the staff. We can't let MaltaToday run these articles about our internal affairs. Did you collect some money, by the way?"

"Yes, kap, we collected some €6,000 but I will be paying John Busuttil's notice money. Kap, did you know that John Busuttil was the longest serving employee in there? He had worked here for 43 years. Ara vera bahnan. I wouldn't stay that long in a job. He started working here when I was just born."

"Chris, don't talk like that, you can't just spew out all the things that you believe in, and neither can you argue that working with a political party is a waste of life... even though it's true."

"Okay kap, by the way... I think we should think twice. We face another complaint from someone like Nicky Azzopardi. He is not exactly Maria Goretti, and I'm being told that Labour may be exposing some of his personal issues."

"If they do so, make it a point to tell Chouxiaoyā!"

"Who?"

"Chouxiaoyā!"

"Mhux ghal xi haga, but who is Chouxiaoyā?"

"My God, Chris, don't you know that we now have code names for our bloggers?  Chouxiaoyā is the code name for... that one."

"Which one?"

"Ajma, Chris, Chouxiaoyā is the Chinese name for ugly duckling!"

"I see, you mean the one MaltaToday describes as the Bile Queen!"

"Yes Chris... stop it, stop it Gypsy."

Gypsy had now stuffed her nose in Simon backside. 

"Stop it, Gypsy, stop it, STOP!"

"Chris, I have to go, ghax Gypsy is hungry and she doing all sorts of nasty things.  See you later."

Chris said bye, and dialed the secretary.

"Hello, see if you can get me a coffee. With milk and sugar please."

"Dott, we don't have milk or sugar, I can make it black."

"Why no milk?"

"Dott, someone stole all the UHT milk and sugar from the kitchen and left a note."

"A note? What note?"

"A note... not a very nice note."

"Well... what does it say?"

"Dott, I'd rather not read it."

"Read it, ejja read it."

"Okay. I'll read it."

'Dear Simon & Chris,

I hope you don't mind that we have stolen your milk and sugar. But we have no salary with which to buy essential items. I'm sure you won't mind. Pawlu (Borg Olivier) was after all very happy with his cappuccino on the Alps, Austin very happy sipping his espresso at the Hilis, Gonzi was very relaxed having his black coffee at home. I'm sure you will not mind if our families also have the privilege of some milk and sugar with their coffees.

Yours,

A PN employee waiting for his salary.'

Note: All resemblances to real life characters are purely coincidental, any inconvenience is regretted.