Keeping the support strong

Ia relationship, both parties are affected by the diagnosisor cancer in a way that will change their lives forever. Watching your loved one wither and die, whilst also being the rock they have to lean on can be a long and difficult time where you, also, may need support. 

The physical and emotional pain, sadness, and sense of loss that it brings on the person suffering from this disease is something that only people who were diagnosed can understand. The uncertainty, and waiting for results and doctors’ decisions are all that one can think about at the best of days. Some describe this time as “sitting by the window and seeing everyone’s life go by while mine is at a standstill”. Cancer patients often worry about the loved ones that they are going to leave behind and how their death will affect the people around them. One is not only losing his health and sometimes parts of his / her body but also his career, independence, self-image, appetite, and self.

Cancer does not only affect the person who has been diagnosed but their partner too. From the moment that you hear the word “cancer”, fear and disbelief hit hard. Knowing that your partner is terminally ill shakes your world, to put it lightly. It is confusing and disheartening as you know that you can’t grab your partner’s hand, look them in the eyes, and tell them “IT WILL GET BETTER”. This is it. This is the ultimate letting go. You’ve been told that the love of your life will only get sicker and sicker until they pass away. You were there when the doctor gave your other half the date… the date when their life is expected to end. No matter how strong you are, chances are that that date will torment you and occupy your mind. Most people talk about the countdown that regardless of how much one tries to ignore it, it still occupies one’s mind. What are you expected to do? Do you make plans past that date?  Should you prepare your partner for that day? Should you be honest with your partner? Should you talk about the big “C” or not remind them about it? It is very difficult to ignore cancer when every time you visit the oncologist you are prescribed more and more pills and you can see that the pain is growing stronger and medicine is getting less effective the more they’ve been taking it.  

As a couple you have been given the chance to do the things that you always chose to postpone because of other, more pressing financial, work and social commitments

Cancer brings with it a lot of losses and every day brings with it a new challenge, a different problem and more heartache. Cancer is different from sudden death as you are both going through diverse losses, one after another. The person who has cancer loses his career, which might be a big part of their identity. The couple lose their social life as the sick party might be in too much pain or fatigue to go out. If they are having a good day you’d rather spend it together as opposed to spending it with friends. Friends feel as lost as the couple and might find it very uncomfortable and upsetting to visit.  

“We can’t go out for dinner anymore as she doesn’t eat much anymore these days”’  

“He is too tired to go for the walks we used to go to together.” 

Physical intimacy is another big loss that few people talk about. Unfortunately, most people feel that sex should be the last thing on your mind when one of the couple is suffering from cancer.  There are times when the pain is too intense and because of the changes that the cancer caused on the body one can’t get too close physically. This is why this is a loss that one needs to acknowledge too. It is known that when a partner takes on a carer’s role they might not see their partner as a lover but this does not mean that both don’t miss, and need, that physical closeness. The physical closeness, which improves their self-esteem, their bond and reassures both that they are still wanted in that way.  

Cancer does not only bring losses. Cancer reminds us that life is not forever and that’s why we need to make the most out of every day. Most partners of cancer patients admit that since the diagnosis they spend more time together as a couple, or family. They appreciate their partner more and argue less about futile things that in the past caused arguments that would last for hours, if not days. 

This is a time when the relationship can reach another level. This is the ultimate intimacy between the couple. You are sharing a unique time with your partner. You are supporting your partner on this journey that can be a very spiritual and intimate one. As a couple you have been given the chance to do the things that you always chose to postpone because of other, more pressing financial, work and social commitments. You have been given the chance to say goodbye in a proper way.  

Unfortunately, most people feel that sex should be the last thing on your mind when one of the couple is suffering from cancer. There are times when the pain is too intense and because of the changes that the cancer caused on the body one can’t get too close physically

Seeing your partner who was always there for you look so weak and in pain might make you feel hopeless and useless at times. It is heart-breaking and very sad but it can be an opportunity.  I am aware that this might be painful for some to read but we always have a choice of what to do with the months, weeks, days left. We can choose to get overwhelmed with pity and pain or choose to celebrate life as much as possible. Cancer can be a reminder of how fragile and precious our life is.  If you can’t go for a walk together, get a wheelchair and push your partner along the same path you used to go through. If you can’t go to the cinema get a DVD, buy some popcorn and nachos and create your own cinema. If you do not have many good memories together, create them. Check with your oncologist if you can go abroad and visit the place you always postponed visiting. Take photos and look at photos together. Try new positions that might make it possible for you to be intimate. If you can’t get physical remind and reassure each other how much you want each other and how difficult it is that you can’t be intimate in that way.  

Cancer is a very difficult and horrible sickness but truth is that all one can do is stay as positive as possible. It can teach us to be spontaneous and make the best out of the good days or couple of hours. It can feel very lonely supporting your partner through one of the worst experiences that one can face. There will be moments when you feel alone because you feel that you can’t share your pain with the person who was always there for you. You might have lived your life sharing all pains together and now that you are going through one of the biggest losses of all you can’t turn round to your rock because it is they who need support. This is why I am setting up a support group for partners of patients who have been diagnosed with terminal cancer. The Louisa Morgan group will be a space where partners who are currently going through such a tough time can come together and share their sorrows and sense of loss together. Feel free to contact me for more information about this support group.