‘I got a two-seater so there would be less space for my hallucinations to sit with me. They are so invasive’

Matt Paris is a graduate in psychology and currently a candidate for his Masters in Gestalt Psychotherapy. At 15 he started having episodes of psychosis which he kept to himself for two years, living with voices and other hallucinations on his own, not knowing how to deal with it. Except for the occasional chat with his friends, he kept it all to himself, fearing retribution and misunderstanding if he had to disclose it.

Since then, he has become a mental health advocate and his role within Richmond Foundation gives him opportunities to go around schools and communities sharing his experience.

Prof. Andrew Azzopardi caught up with him at a restaurant in Paola

What do you think triggered your psychosis?

I’m still not sure about that. I remember that at the time I was rather anxious about my O-level exams. The strange thing is that I don’t know of any close family member who have this condition or a similar ailment. Exams used to stress me out badly. The first known episodes I had were that of hearing voices whilst I was swimming and playing water polo. At first it was very confusing but also interesting in a way. Being a creative person myself, I thought this was a stimulating experience initially, but I soon realised that there was more to this than creativity and imagination.

How did the Sixth Form you went to deal with your mental health condition?

Very well. The teachers at St Aloysius College simply asked me what I need and they supported me through and through. They were also very understanding when it came to examinations, which have always been my nemesis. There were times I would go to the bathroom, make sure no one is there and have long conversations with my hallucinations.

When is the worst time of the day?

Mornings are terrible. I find it hard to start off the day. It’s a mix of exhaustion, the occasional nightmares and my sleeping patterns are not that good.

Did you ever confuse these hallucinations with a spiritual experience?

My first cycle of hallucinations were mostly positive and friendly; I even considered them spiritual. Other hallucinations were negative. As time went by, the negative hallucinations triumphed over the positive ones. Therapy encouraged me to detach myself from the positive hallucinations. The therapist asked me to ‘let go’. This will sound strange to you, but I sat down and talked to them, essentially dealing with them like a relationship that has broken down. At first, it felt bad. It felt like a loss. I had to grieve. It felt very real because they had become part of my support system.

How many hallucination characters are still around?

I have four negative hallucinations which I experience on a day-to-day basis.

At times they are all around, especially on bad days, three persons and a talking dog. One of the characters has a face, a distinguished look, a voice that has been with me for these last 11 years. Then there is a woman and a dog and another man. And as I said... the dog talks to me.

I can literally smell their body scent and mouth.

I’ve had physical alterations. I also have a scar on my chest which I probably did to myself but I cannot remember when that happened. They all have names, but I don’t give them identity to avoid giving them power and space. In fact, I concede that they are there, but I do not address them.

Once at University I saw a woman walking a dog who looked incredibly similar to my hallucination and I had to ask someone who was near me whether they are seeing this dog too. The hallucinations are so real at times I get confused between what is real and what is a hallucination.

Did you ever have to be admitted to hospital?

Yes, it happened a couple of times. I go to a private hospital as my parents are very supportive financially; and another time I was covered by insurance. I needed to go because of my psychotic episodes and because of suicidal ideation and an abandoned suicide attempt. Anxiety lights up my psychosis and vice-versa. These episodes bleed me dry.

Do you ever see yourself without having to juggle with hallucinations?

At this point in time no, even though the medication and therapy have helped me immensely.

How do you cope with an episode or panic attack?

It is essential for me to have time distracting myself by watching a TV series or playing a video game or else possibly going out with a friend to chill. At times an episode and panic attack would require that I get home as soon as possible. Listening to music and being with someone close to me are also beneficial, but at the same time giving me space is crucial.

Thankfully I work at a place where they understand me well.

I also take PRN medication. An episode can take anything between 30 minutes and 3 hours, and then I sleep it off even though sleeping is quite a chore at times.

Would you feel it coming?

Yes, at times even a couple of days before. As I told you before these episodes are triggered by stressful situations so in a way I can see it coming. I am developing defence mechanisms to prevent an escalation of the episodes by keeping myself calm and as stress free as possible.

Do you struggle with sleep?

Sleeping has been my worst enemy since day one. Episodes don’t help. At times it feels as if there are 10 people (hallucinations) all of them speaking and talking. Nightmares are a frightening and dreadful experience and if they wake me up I usually can’t go back to sleep.

What is the role of family?

Family members are my biggest support system and have learnt how to tackle this issue with me. There were moments when the hallucinations used to pick on my sister and I would sleep or stay near here to protect her from the hallucinations. It took me time to realise that really and truly they cannot do anything to her – but it’s tough for me as I’m very protective of my sister. My sister is also one of the strongest pillars in my support system.

Do the hallucinations actually sit in your car?

Yes, they sit with me through the drive. When I changed my car, I decided to get a two-seater, a Smart, not only because of its compact size (and economical) but also to have less space for the hallucinations to sit with me. They are so invasive. Even during the night, they touch me, and it is a very bad feeling, possibly the worst and the most aggravating of feelings – that feeling of being touched, is terrible.

How does society deal with your mental health?

I’ve never been at the end of discrimination. Maybe the only moment I remember being in a sticky situation is when I got drunk in Paceville, and this is certainly not a good thing for me because the medication I take, to put it mildly, creates volatility. This situation triggered an awkward situation and it wasn’t good. I can also recall an isolated moment when I was talked about behind my back – it wasn’t nice but you learn to cope with these situations.

How about trying to get a loan?

It is through the support of my family that I managed to secure a loan by having my family secure some money as contingency. I feel lucky to have my family who supports me. But what about people who do not have the privilege of a family like mine?

Why do you think there aren’t too many people who speak about psychosis?

I think it’s because I have enough protection, care and security. Many others know that the moment that they talk it will cast a shadow on them and it becomes threatening.

Isn’t working in the mental health sector too much?

Yes, sometimes it is a bit too much and too heavy, but it is also the perfect place for me, firstly because I get to help people with psychosis, and secondly I know the ins and outs of what these people go through and I feel good supporting these people. When it gets too heavy I find loads of support from the people at work.

What about pets?

My dogs are company and support, and the older dog somehow knows when I need him most. Knowing I have my dogs close to me gives me reassurance and I feel safe and not alone.

How has this condition affected your relationships?

It hasn’t really. I feel that I was lucky by and large. The people around me do understand me and feel me when things are not right. They provide me with the help I need. I know that I need to surround myself with positive people and people who do not judge me and know how to cope with my episodes.

What comes to mind when the alleged murderer of Paulina Dembska has been referred to as psychotic?

Initially it made me very angry. But it seems that in this case there is a melange of criminal behaviour, problematic upbringing, drugs and mental health.

I must say that this situation confused me on so many levels. Yes, fear and worrying thoughts do come to mind. I feel that it reversed the work I’ve done for these last two, three years and sent so much down the drain. And the usual mantra is thrown around, that “we should throw him in prison”.

But it is so more complex than that. I am thankful that my situation is not the situation of this alleged murder. In fact, after the anger subsided I got more energy in me to do more. We need to reflect where the mistakes in the person’s life were made and by whom. Each situation is different as one takes you down a slippery slope whilst the other can become an opportunity.

Yes, I am thankful for the care and support I got from my family including the financial support during the time I have been diagnose with psychosis.