Getting a second chance

“The first thing I want to say is that we not all about tears and talk of death. Of course there is an element of that in that we are all ready to listen to each other’s sad, sad stories but what we focus on is moving forward. Though it is impossible to forget the pain of losing a loved one – especially at an early age – life goes on and it is important to make the most of it.”

Maria Borg, chairperson of the support group for men and women who have been widowed prematurely, is all about remaining positive. The group offers support for the recently bereaved, awareness of rights for the newly widowed, and a relief from the loneliness that comes with the loss of a partner.

Minus One was set up 14 years ago by Albert Zammit – now honorary president. After the loss of his wife at the age of 38, Zammit was left to raise three sons on his own. He attended a support group but found that the average age was a lot higher than his own and decided to start up a group for younger people who have been widowed. The only rules to join the group are that you are a widow/widower and that you are under the age of 60.

Borg, herself widowed, also attended other support groups prior to joining Minus One and also found the age difference depressing.

“I felt like I walked into an old people’s home and left within half an hour in tears. It makes you feel worse about your situation because this shouldn’t have happened to me at this stage in my life.”

Borg lost her husband to cancer seven years ago, following a long illness that took her away from her job and saw her spend the last six months of her husband’s life at his bedside while he underwent treatment in the UK. She was left with four children of 18, 15,14 and five.

“I joined Minus One five years ago and have been on the committee for four years. The atmosphere was completely different and I made friends straight away. It is difficult to explain the comfort of being around people who have been through the same thing. Supportive families are a great help through this painful time, however relatives do not really understand what you are going through.

“I met one person from the group who had been widowed twice over, and was raising her second husband’s children from his first marriage. Trying to imagine what she was dealing with and seeing her positive attitude and courage made me feel like I was just moaning about what had happened to me. Courage is contagious, and it spreads from member to member of the group.”

Borg said that initial support of new members is very important, and making a new member feel welcome is their top priority, while helping with practicalities is something they strive for.

“A 32-year-old widower joined the group with four children under the age of seven. He was having financial trouble as he was unable to work because he was busy looking after the children. By the time he got the children off to school it was nine o’clock and he had to be back to pick them up by one. He was concerned about the summer time as the children did not have school, but we managed to get the children into a government-run scheme with the help of the Commissioner for Children.”

Once primary needs are adhered to, the group focuses on the continuation of life after the loss of a partner. The group meet every Friday and organise events for the weekend when loneliness takes it grasp. Lunches, dinners, dancing, hikes, cultural activities, and retreats are organised to make sure there is something fun for everyone to do. Every month the group celebrates the birthdays of everyone whose birthday falls in that month.

Borg stresses the importance of members to feel like someone is paying attention to them. “We send out birthday cards and go and visit them if they are sick. I make sure to call anyone who has not been to a meeting for a while. If they are just busy then that’s great, but it’s often the case that they are just too depressed to come out and need coaxing and encouragement.

“We could do with psychotherapists and counsellors to volunteer on a part-time basis, but so far we have not been able to acquire these services, and the organisation does not make enough money to provide for this. It’s not only the person who has lost their partner that requires counselling, but their children too.

“When I lost my husband, I had a lot of trouble with my middle teenagers. They were angry and did not to study or work because life could be taken away from them so quickly they did not feel that it was worth the hard work. Thankfully, we were able to get through that with the help of counselling.”

David Sciberras, a member of the group for almost two years, also lost his wife, after a five-year battle against cancer. Though her condition seemed to have improved for a while, she eventually succumbed to the disease, leaving behind her husband and 16-year-old twins.

Sciberras talked of two categories of members of the group – those who have lost their spouses through an accident and those who have lost a loved one to disease. He explained that there are different ways of coping for both sub-groups.

“When you’ve lost your partner to disease, bereavement comes after a long and emotionally exhausting period in your life, and though you are expecting the death that is inevitable it feels like one more stage that you just can’t possibly cope with.

“If you’ve lost a partner through an accident, though you might have more energy to deal with the loss you haven’t been allowed the time to prepare. Things like wills, the best way to ease the children into the transition and how you are going to cope being the sole breadwinner and custodian of the children are things you have to deal with while mourning the loss of your spouse.

“The group is so helpful because, no matter how you’ve lost your spouse, there is always someone who has gone through a similar situation and can understand what you are going through like no one else can.”

It is not only emotional support and a release from the loneliness that the group provides, but advice on how to proceed with their lives and what they are entitled to. Though there is a general awareness that widows are entitled to a pension after their husbands die, there is little awareness that the same entitlement is there for men who have lost their wives.

“Even the words ‘widow’s pension’ seem to imply that is only for women, and I did not know I was entitled to financial aid until I joined the group. Though legislation regarding pensions is improving – it is now possible for a widow/widower to return to work and still receive a pension while the children are at an educational institution – government needs to provide further awareness to people who have lost spouses and what they are entitled to.”

Minus One, today, has approximately 100 registered members, 50 of whom attend events regularly. The remainder attend occasionally, though Borg said that once a person joins the group they rarely ever drop out. “Even once they have found new partners, some of them still attend meetings.

“There are two couples who have met through the group and got re-married – one middle-aged couple who still attend the group regularly and one young couple, though busy raising their young children, still keep in touch with us.”

Both Borg and Sciberras advise any person going through such hardships not to go it alone, but to join a support group to take some of the load off by sharing their experiences with people who have gone through the same thing.