Giving a child the gift of family

As lights lit up the streets, decorations fill the windows and brightly-wrapped parcels are placed underneath the Christmas trees, not all children will be waiting expectantly for Santa Claus to bring them presents.

Because some children will simply be waiting for their parents to pick them up, to tell them 'I love you', to promise to never again break a promise.

Sometimes all that these children do is wait. And hope. Until they acknowledge that their birth parents will never be able to care for them in the way a parent should. Not to spoil them with toys but to simply smother them with kisses, to know that during the school's Christmas play their parent is sitting with all the other proud parents cheering them on.

Even though children in orphanages are given the best possible care and affection, it will never compare with the undivided attention a child yearns for.

A recent study launched by the office of the Commissioner for Children revealed that children under the age of five should not be placed in residential care as they suffer long-term consequences from not having a personal carer who can the take the role of a parent.

Currently, some 257 children are in foster care in 197 foster families. The recent study by Professor Angela Abela has proved that foster care is the best alternative for the biological family.

"The State has a greater responsibility to affect the changes needed in order to see that foster carers are better supported to be able to offer the best service for the children in their care," says Jason Zerafa, president of the National Foster Care Association Malta.

Christmas is indeed a time when people try to calm down from the day-to-day's hectic routine and an opportunity to think about the needs of others... not least the children.

"The need for more families to become foster carers is felt all throughout the year and not only at Christmas. However, Christmas is indeed an excellent time to think seriously of becoming a foster carer," says Zerafa.

Fostering, he adds, is an act of "great love and altruism".

"It's about giving a family environment to children who, for various reasons, cannot be brought up by their birth parents."

Founded in 2005, the NFCAM has been working hard with all stakeholders to continue improving the current situation. But changes needed as derived from a 2011 survey are yet to be implemented.

"It is important that these changes are implemented in the shortest time possible as children in our care, and others who are still waiting to be provided with a foster family, have various needs which must be tackled promptly," he adds.

Zerafa and foster carers have repeatedly called for improvement of financial support to carers, increase awareness in the education sector and the civil service.

"An important change needed is in the Foster Care Act to facilitate the obtainment of passports for children in foster care. We still have children longing for a much awaited holiday for the simple reason that the relative signature from the biological parents is difficult to get," Zerafa says.

"Legislation should be more child-centered. It must put the children's interests as its top priority."

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Lawrence and Sandra Gilford, 49 and 43 respectively, have been fostering children for the past eight years. Like many, it all started with a plea by a member of NCAM urging parents to considering fostering a child.

After a six-week course and several monitoring by social workers, the couple from Zurrieq - already with a son of their own - got their first fostered child, Redeemer.

Two years later they fostered a little girl, Kelly, and nine months ago toddler Samaja joined the family.

Now a family of six, the Gilfords wouldn't trade their life for anything even though they admit that financially it's a struggle.

"But we both work. My mother helps us out when the little one needs a babysitter and we split shifts among us. We want to give them a good family life... they deserve to be happy," says Sandra.

She adds that it's expensive to make use of childcare centres, especially since foster parents do not receive children's allowance.

"We do receive child benefits, but what can you do with €70 a week? They come to you with nothing but their clothes on their back. It's insulting when people think you're fostering because of the money... sometimes people really do not understand that they become your own," Lawrence adds.

Bringing in a child is not only a question of feeding them and giving them a roof over their head. It's also a question of understanding their fears and the trauma they would have gone through.

Some children might also suffer from different intellectual or physical disabilities.

Sandra recounts that their natural son Malcolm was very excited when Redeemer first joined the family. "He always wanted a younger brother and the two immediately clicked."

Lawrence however says it was different with Kelly, as she used to be a little afraid of him at the beginning. "She was still a toddler when we got her and my wife used to put her in bed with us. But she wouldn't be comfortable if I were in the same bed so often I used to sleep on another bed or on the sofa," he says.

Sandra adds that Kelly was not only afraid of bedrooms in general but also of wooden spoons.

"I remember being in the kitchen with Kelly and Redeemer as I cooked and when I took out the wooden spoon she started crying. She only got used to it after I bought three other wooden spoons and played around with them pretending to play the drums."

But one think that really worries both Lawrence and Sandra is the schools' lack of knowledge in how to deal with fostered kids.

"It's not as bad as it used to be because we know that efforts are being done for teachers to be more aware of the needs of fostered children. However, bullying is still a reality... it's not the first time Redeemer came home with a torn shirt and no proper action would be taken," Lawrence says.

Sandra adds that there were several occasions when they and the social workers intervened at school when Redeemer was a victim of bullying. Or, even when a teacher would have failed to understand that simply shouting at a child is not the answer.

Urging parents to start fostering, Lawrence says that this step would be the "greatest gift" a child could receive.

"If someone is thinking about fostering don't give up. It's the best thing to do when you give a child the opportunity to live in a family. Every child deserves such love, care and attention."