No money, but plenty of chicks for free...

Well, one thing’s for sure. Suddenly, it’s become a good time to land a job as a NET News reporter. 

Oh, never mind that until a few months ago, the party was so broke it couldn’t actually afford to pay your salary every other month. Money isn’t everything, you know. Just think of the perks. 

Before, it was always the same-old press conferences, about the same-old boring rubbish, followed by the same-old coffee at same-old Pjazza Regina. Now, as a proud NET News reporter, you can travel to a leading European destination on the company account, all expenses paid... and you even get a free visit to the local whorehouse thrown in for good measure!

I mean, what could possibly beat that? It’s like an advert for ‘the best job in the world’ in the Classified section of ‘The Lad Bible’. There are people who would willingly cut off their own testicles to get a job like that, you know. Erm, no, wait... their ear-lobes: they would willingly cut off their ear-lobes. 

I bet that, even as I write, NET TV is getting flooded with CVs (complete with character references from established international pimps and porn-stars) from balding, middle-aged perverts, all claiming to be ‘reporters’ specialising in the long-distance visual recognition of tattoos. 

What I’d give to be a fly on the wall during the job interview:

Q: So, Mr X: what, exactly, are your qualifications in journalism?

A: I click on the ‘Spycam’ category on Internet porn sites...

Q. You’re perfect for the job! Sign here...

Oh, and when I said ‘free visit to any old whorehouse’ earlier... please note, not just ‘any visit’ to ‘any whorehouse’. No, no. As a Net TV ace reporter you will also receive a lifetime VIP pass that enables you to access areas of the establishment denied to lesser mortals. In fact, you can just sail right in through the front door of the most exclusive of private brothels – you know, the sort of place where management tends to values its clientele’s privacy just a tiny bit – with an entire NET NEWS camera team in tow... past around a dozen signs saying (for pretty obvious reasons): ‘ACHTUNG! KAMERAS VERBOTEN!’... and you can even stay there when the management threatens to call the police.

OK, OK, I get it: fluency in German is not a job requirement. Maybe that’s why the Net News team seemed surprised when a client looking for a quickie in a brothel, took umbrage to find cameras and journalists waiting to film him as he walked in.... 

Well, those clients had better start getting used to it. And the management, too. The identity of people who visit whorehouses in Germany has now officially become a legitimate battleground in an interminable political all-out war. This also means that any foreign legislation regarding the right to client-management confidentiality can now safely be disregarded. 

So there’s a whole new category of VIP membership at that club, and all others like it. Cardholders can break all the rules as much as they like... then complain that their human rights are being trampled underfoot, when politely asked to leave.

Honestly, what are you waiting for sign up?

But what I like most about this new arrangement is that it also makes financial sense for NET TV (and God knows that company doesn’t get to see financial sense very often). That sort of job would attract precisely the type of person who likes going to brothels even when they’re not working... as often as possible, and on the cheap. So they would be spending all their hard-earned cash on prostitutes anyway. 

Why not just do away with the ‘salary’ part, and get the company to pay for their whores directly instead? Thanks to Daphne’s blog, we can approximate the expense of each journalistic ‘interview’. It costs €80 at the door, and whatever the prostitute charges for a... um... ‘press comment’. 

I, naturally, have absolutely no idea how much that might be. But I have an, um, friend... no, wait: I have a ‘confidential source’, whose identity is protected at law by the Intergalactic Fifth Amendment... who tells me that it can’t realistically be more than €150 a pop. 

Even a bankrupt news agency can afford that a lot more easily than the payroll of an experienced team of reporters. So in the end, everyone’s happier (even the prostitutes). Saves time and hassle all round. Sheer managerial genius, if you ask me.

As I see it, the only snag is that it might be difficult to explain the company accounts in the course of a future financial investigation: ‘And I suppose all these credit card payments, made out in the name of the Nationalist Party, for private services at a German bordello... they’re also ‘company expenses’, right?’ 

Yikes. I don’t know, Simon: they might buy it, they might not.

Then, to cap it all, there are additional perks. Ordinary clients just pay for a private encounter with a prostitute, and nothing else. NET News reporters do exactly the same thing (on the company, of course), but also get to secretly film it for free. Why, that’s every voyeuristic pervert’s dream come true, right there! People normally pay a lot extra for that kind of thing. At least, that’s what my... um... ‘confidential source’ told me.

Perhaps the best thing about this new form of salary-package is that it can only radically improve the standards of journalism everywhere. In fact, I can even see this developing into a recruitment strategy for media outlets all over the world. How’s this for a marketing campaign? ‘Join our news team, and discover your true vocation as a Real Man. The Forces of Good need Real Men like you right now, to join their crusade against Evil... and what better way to test the very limits of your self-restraint, than to fly you all the way to Germany, where you can enjoy a happy-ending massage by naked, voluptuous German prostitutes... all in the name of improving the global quality of journalism?’ 

There is no doubt in my mind that would get the applications flowing right in. But what sort of reporter would you end up with? (Apart from the obvious: i.e., overwhelmingly male and chauvinistic). Let’s see now: at present, the likeliest candidate category would seem to include (allegedly) Cabinet ministers such as Chris Cardona; and (equally allegedly) close personal childhood friends of the very respectable Caruana Galizia family. 

So in the end, that makes it a win-win situation for journalism, too. Your news agency would automatically attract journalistic recruits from both sides of the political divide. Think of the benefits in terms of objectivity. Whoremongers exist among all political beliefs and ideologies... among all social classes... there is no party or institution in the world that is immune. 

So your new rookie journalists would automatically balance out into a healthy mix of different backgrounds and political views. Even better, they could easily come to you with a wealth of inside information from all camps. It’s the sort of opportunity any unbiased, objective media house would automatically jump at, no questions asked.

Yes, that would boost the number of quality investigative journalists the world over. I’ve been saying this for ages: there’s just not enough smut in quality journalism these days. It needs to sneak into a bedroom at a German bordello once in a while, and film up prostitutes’ skirts while showing them dirty pictures. 

And it would sure make watching the news a heck of a lot more interesting. My only complaint about Net’s pioneering effort last Friday is: why only crotch shots? Why not point the camera directly downwards into the cleavage every once in a while? Oh, and occasionally ask them to bend down so we get a view of their ass, too. According to my confidential source, it’s the first thing they teach you at porn school: you have to cater for all categories and tastes... 

But whoah there, all you horny bums who are rushing off to sign up as an undercover Net News cameraman. The perks are many, but I feel compelled to warn you that there are also potential (though remote) risks involved. 

For one thing, you will need to sign a waiver exculpating the Nationalist Party for all the responsibility, in the unfortunate event of untimely death by violent beatings at the hands of one or several German strip-club bouncers. (Note: This is admittedly unlikely, as you have clearly concealed your camera in the one place no one will ever, EVER think to look. But it’s good to be aware of the possibility all the same.)

But then, just stop and think how good it would look for the history books, when your contribution to world journalism is eventually assessed. Other, lesser journalists get themselves killed on the job in wars and on crime scenes... just think, how proud future Maltese investigative journalists will feel, when they read the epitaph: 

‘Beaten to death in a German whorehouse... all in the line of duty.’